So soft and warm.
Nnnnnngh!
I've put thought into how I "became" bisexual.
My mom used to tell me that it was my aunt's fault my cousin turned out gay. It made me think a lot about nature vs. nurture. But the more I think about it, the more I find reasons of why it's made sense all along. I used to have an attraction to my sister... I don't think I actually wanted her that way, but I can recognize the feeling I had when I would put my arms around her... My hands on her waist... There was a time I came up and hugged her from behind, and she mistook the gesture as being one from her boyfriend. That was the moment when I realized what I was feeling with her might not be normal. Needless to say, I've kept my distance from her since. I've always felt more comfortable with girls. Talking, hugging, cuddling, touching... I love being in contact with girls. Girls are so beautiful. Their shape, their softness, their curves... It would explain the way I felt about Srijana. How I never knew her that well but loved her all the same... I was always touching her... My arm on her shoulder, pulling her into a hug, sitting together... The day I was waiting out in the snow for Jeremy to come pick me up, and we held each other to keep warm... How inexplicably hurt I felt when she told me she slept with that guy... Looking back, I have a hard time believing I would have taken it so hard if Melissa, Erin, or Emily had told me they slept with someone. And Sansha... How much I've felt for Sansha... How I would long to be with her... The amount of time, love, and pain I've held for her... And Kezi... The weekend we had in Canada... Where we snuggled in the cold rain... The endless flirting over IM and webcam... How I feel comfortable with all of it... How natural it all feels... I have a hard time coming up with a real reason of knowing how I'm bisexual without having had the experience... But I just know. Why else would I feel these things? Sometimes I wonder I might just be a lesbian, even. I feel that sure about my attraction to girls. But then I remind myself of all the guys I've found attractive... I like the dominance of men. Shy sensitivity. The ability to fix things. I like spiky black hair and piercing blue eyes. Lean bodies and soothing deep voices. I'm attracted to Kevin. I like touching him, and feeling his skin against mine. He makes me feel comfortable being myself. I used to be attracted to guys as much as girls, I think. When I was in middle school, I'd have crushes... and I fell for several of my online friends over the years. All guys. I was happy with the boyfriends I had, at the time I had them. I never felt disinterested. So... Why wouldn't I be bisexual? I like both guys and girls. It's who I am. This is my first real post in my Weebly journal.
The past two days I've been organizing all the files on my computers and hard drives. It's been bringing up a lot of memories from times and people I associate with the things I've saved on my computer over the years. While organizing, I came across the old blog I'd created when I liked Chris. We'd used it to talk to each other every so often, and after we broke up, I'd used the blog for venting personal thoughts. I deleted the blog, but felt compelled to save the old blog entries here. The rest were copied over from my journal on The Furry Forum. It was weird, reading through all those old posts. The depression I've dealt with over the years is a scary beast that's made me do and think terrible things. And the sad part is, those things are still often on my mind. I like to tell myself I'm a very different person from who I was when I wrote those posts, but the reality is, a lot hasn't changed. I'm living with my parents again. I'm still with Kevin, and I still love him. Even more so now, probably. I still also love Sansha. We grew apart, but have recently reunited and things are going okay. I'm depressed again. I felt better during college, but the beast has returned. I still have the urge to cut. I still love blood, though maybe not as much. I'm still unemployed, though I do have a little job experience now. All in all... maybe I haven't changed as much as I like to think I have. I can still empathize with the dark, depressed person I was five years ago. I still feel hopeless and alone. What is wrong with me? I've been giving a lot of thought lately to... coming out. I'm bisexual, if you don't know. I've been fairly open about it in general online, but I've only told two people offline. My parents are very religious and intolerant, so you can imagine why I feel the need to stay in the closet. Because I have no idea how they would react to the news, I've been keeping it a secret for years. I wanted to wait until I could get out on my own, since I'm currently unemployed and living with them.
Unfortunately, life isn't going quite the way I expected. I'm having little luck in my search for a job, and have no idea how long it's going to take for me to get out of here. It stresses me out having to hide who I am, and I'm just getting tired of it. I'm tired of caring about my parents' opinion, but to an extent I have no choice. My sister and one of my cousins are the only two people in my family I'd really like to tell, but I'm worried once they know, it will spread through the rest of the family. Nonetheless... after much thought and talking it over with someone else, I decided I'm probably going to tell my sister and cousin in December, when my cousin will be visiting, so I can tell them both at the same time. Needless to say I'm still nervous and a little unsure about it, but logically, it's probably a good time to do it. I have about a month to decide for sure. x_x Everitte -
I'm sorry, but I just need to get this off my chest... What you said was true. Your friend's boyfriend is an asshole. Being bi, I understand how he feels, but it doesn't make it right. And now I feel like an asshole. Just two days ago, I was contemplating exactly how I could talk to Kevin about letting me be with a girl. Whether or not he would feel very upset over it, whether or not he'd be okay with it... We've talked about rules of me getting to kiss another girl... He said I could if we could share the experience. I said okay, but honestly, I really don't want to. I want to be able to have a straight up lesbian experience... just me and the girl and the emotions between us. I don't want my only lesbian experience to be sharing a girl. It's just not the same, at all, to me. And as much as I wish it wasn't true, that makes me an asshole. I'm no better than that guy you've ranted about... who is a "douchebag" that doesn't deserve his girlfriend. I love my boyfriend; I'd like to have an experience with another girl; and I don't want to share. The only difference is, I could probably settle for just one lesbian experience, but even that's not a guarantee. Considering that four years ago I was saying I'd never need an experience with a girl. I'm no better than my father, in the end... Trying so hard, but in the end, I'm nothing but a cheating douchebag. Why can't I control myself? Why do I even have to feel this way? I have almost no desire whatsoever to be with other guys... But I feel obsessed with girls. I think about them all the time... I crave them. But I can't even tell if it's just because I have an idealistic version of a lesbian experience in my head, or if I really do just like girls that much better. It's driving me insane. I feel miserable because I'm battling myself 24/7 over how I'm supposed to feel. It feels very similar to the way I used to think of guys... Before I had a real relationship, I fantasized about them in much the same idealistic way. Now that I have the experience of being with a guy though, I don't quite feel that same desire anymore. Not in a physical aspect anyway. That's why I want to be with a girl. Just once... To shatter this idealism I hold trapped inside me, making me miserable... It's hardly been five years since I realized I liked girls. I can't live the rest of my life like this... So it doesn't really feel like I have a choice. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt Kevin, and I don't want to lose him, but I NEED to do this... I'm an asshole... A selfish, empty, miserable asshole. And, for the record, I can't even be upset with you for making me feel this way. Because I know I deserve every bit of it. i dont want to be the one the battles always choose
cuz inside i realize that i'm the one confused i don't know what's worth fighting for or why i have to scream i dont know why i instigate and say what i don't mean i dont know how i got this way, i'll never be all right so i'm breaking the habit tonight I like her. I like a girl. Sansha. I like her. I'd like to say I love her, but I can't. I love Kevin. I like Sansha. I think about her a lot. I like talking to her... She makes me feel happy. She's the first person I've been able to be completely honest with. So I'm a little afraid... I don't want to lose my friendship with her. Am I happy just being her friend? I think so. I like her a lot though... I'm sure that if anything ever happened to break up Kevin and I, I'd go out with her if she'd let me. I like her. It's raining at her house right now. She can't talk because of the thunder... I miss her when she's gone... When she told me about feeling lonely, I found myself imagining what it would be like to be there with her... To walk through the rain over to her house and curl up next to her... We'd laugh, and she wouldn't be alone anymore... I want to make her happy... I don't think she knows how much she means to me... I stopped cutting not just for Kevin... It was mostly for her... I didn't want to give in when I told her she could make it without it... I'd be a hypocrite... I did it for her... Getting an infection wasn't a worry for me... I didn't even have to worry about rust... There really wasn't much wrong with what I did... I don't even mind the scars... I like them... But I want us both to be stronger... I want to be able to get through life without cutting every day... Too much is bad, and I'd only want more... *sigh* But anyway... I miss her... I hope she comes back soon... |
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