Licked the blood.
I missed that taste.
Accidentally cut myself while shaving in the shower.
Licked the blood. I missed that taste.
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my heart beats fast -
my body quivers with anticipation - excitement - my tongue is thick in my mouth - impatiently i snatch the razor from its resting place - faster - faster i can feel the rhythm in me race - i lick my dry lips and stare intently at my target - focused - thirsty. finally pushing past my final doubts i lay the blade against my skin - graze my flesh - chip away at the topmost layers - digging through the stubborn crust to get the warmth inside - biting - sharp - pain snaps through me - i've hit the core. one more for good measure and the tool is again put to sleep - no longer needed - it rests - while i press my thick tongue against the fresh wound - testing - trying - tasting. i squeeze at it a little - until - at last! my wish has been fulfilled - crimson spills out from the gap - glittering - stinging - tempting. i give it to its call - lay my mouth over it - my tongue moves in and out - lapping at the sweetness - the tanginess - the metallic bite urges me onward - i close my teeth around the wound - squeezing - gnawing - wanting. the bite is gone - no trace remains - i release my hold - survey the damage done - no red remains - it has been removed - i squeeze - none still - my cup runs dry and i settle - relax - breathe - for my beast has been satisfied. blood
red dripping cutting slicing jabbing injure destroy mutilate hurt pain relief dripping oozing ripping shiny tangy thick metallic pungent brilliant smear glistening crimson maroon scarlet scars scarring past ridicule hiding sadness anger frustration disappointment razors nails pencils digging clawing biting scratching deep wound inflict scab tears screaming headaches transferring distracting saving killing skin wrists legs arms sleeves excuses lies truths assumptions medications disgrace emotions alone dangerous addicting controlling forgiving this is another one of those times... when i wish i could tell him everything... when i wish he would understand this... when i wish he would just take me into his arms and make it all go away...
but it never seems to work out that way. today was one of those days... i could almost feel the seratonin flooding my system. making me want to go back to the way i was.... to what i did... making me want to break my promise... even though i kind of already have... kind of... ._. this morning when my dad yelled at me, it was just a perfect way to start off a miserable day... then the obscenely long detour on the way to school didnt help, especially being stuck in the car with him telling me how to drive as if i had just gotten my permit... then when i found out i might not even be able to get his v-day present made in time... i'm just worried about it... i'm the worst screw-up sometimes about presents... i still feel bad about that one year, because he totally deserved the world instead of the cheap trinket i gave him in exchange for his special gift... not that i mean to compare myself with him, i just want to show him how much i care... anyway... with luck i'll be able to get it done anyway... as long as caitlin pulls through for me... but after that... nothing really bad happened today. sarah wasnt there, so lunch wasn't as fun as usual, but everything else was just... normal. as normal as my life gets. and yet... all day i've just felt like i wanted him to hold me... all day... i wanted him close... i didnt want anything else to matter... but being so irritated with him lately... and his newly revealed irritation with me touching his skin... and his irritation at the status of poptarts at his house... and everyone always being there... invading our space... it won't happen... it doesn't... i miss georgia... because of my time with him then... driving with him for the first time... how he looks like a god when the sunlight hits him through the windshield... things like that don't happen anymore. but soon they will... i just hope i can last that long... i will have a new Eventually... one with no excuses, no interruptions, no nervousness, no listening, no tenseness... nothing whatsoever, but me and him. that's what i want right now. but i can't tell him that, because it won't happen. don't be sad, he said. don't be sad? i wish it was possible. to reverse the chemical imbalance in my head so i didnt have to feel like this. maybe even tweak it a little while i'm at it so i don't have my cravings. but that's for another entry. i'm wondering if theres a pattern to how often i write in here. i should look into it someday...
anyhow... my cravings. about those. this is another entry, after all. for my own purposes, since to tell the truth would just be asking for belittlement, i will refer to the object of my desire as phagillus. funny-sounding word, no? it has its own meanings in my head, i assure you. just picture a small cake, or hard candy perhaps; whatever tickles your fancy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so. you [my hypothetical subject] see the phagillus. i'd bet you'd be hard pressed to find anything like it. something so smooth and tempting you can hardly help yourself. its lustery shine draws you to it, and when you open your mouth, you can feel the satisfying twinge of its slight tartness on the tip of your tongue. greedily you shove it into your mouth until you've finished that bit, but there's more on the table before you. quickly, desperate even, you swipe up as much as you dare without appearing rude to the host providing you with this precious delicacy. more phagillus plunges into your eager mouth, and you feel it all over again: the delightful twinge, then the sweet satisfaction of consuming the phagillus. later you are forced by common courtesy to leave the party where the precious phagillus is provided. you drive home thinking about how good it was, and, after coming to grips with the fact that you will most likely not be tasting it again until your friend hosts a party again (for the phagillus is very expensive and your friend is quite rich while you are not), you call yourself satisfied. you do not assume you will feel the want for the phagillus again until you set eyes upon its sweet shine again. you are right, for a while. a week passes and you find yourself thinking about the smooth, tangy texture of the phagillus, about how it felt having it against your tongue. you are mildly irriitated since you know there is nothing even similar to ease your craving for the phagillus. moodily you begin eating things you do not even feel you want because you've found as long as you don't feel hungry in the slightest bit, you will not feel the need to fill your stomach with the phagillus. after a few more days, you realize you cannot go on shoving your face all day simply to keep your mind off the phagillus. you finally give in to its powerful temptation, and as the weeks pass, your life savings you have been keeping safe so faithfully are steadily draining into the cost of the phagillus. it is the only way you can get your hands on that succulent taste again and still have enough money to live. you know full well what you are doing to yourself (or rather, what the phagillus has done to you), but you cannot resist its pull. finally, when your pool of savings has turned into a mere puddle, you decide you cannot ruin yourself further like this. you just cant get the same satisfaction from the phagillus when you know you are causing your doom by consuming it. so, you contact your friend who first introduced you to the substance. you give in and tell him how much you need the phagillus, and, it is left to him to decide your fate. your friend can either accept and give you the phagillus you so deeply desire, or he could refuse, and you could possibly become the laughing stock of the entire surrounding territory, becoming ridiculed for your insane addiction. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ridiculous story? maybe. i did just make it up off the top of my head, after all; no previous thought dedicated to it. but its what i go through, to an extent. the specifics you will never know. *smiles* and if you think this means i'm hooked on drugs or something of that nature, you're wrong. nothing to do with such vile substances. i don't sink that low. and i never said my cravings were for something edible. |
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