The past two days I've been organizing all the files on my computers and hard drives. It's been bringing up a lot of memories from times and people I associate with the things I've saved on my computer over the years.
While organizing, I came across the old blog I'd created when I liked Chris. We'd used it to talk to each other every so often, and after we broke up, I'd used the blog for venting personal thoughts. I deleted the blog, but felt compelled to save the old blog entries here. The rest were copied over from my journal on The Furry Forum.
It was weird, reading through all those old posts.
The depression I've dealt with over the years is a scary beast that's made me do and think terrible things. And the sad part is, those things are still often on my mind. I like to tell myself I'm a very different person from who I was when I wrote those posts, but the reality is, a lot hasn't changed.
I'm living with my parents again.
I'm still with Kevin, and I still love him. Even more so now, probably.
I still also love Sansha. We grew apart, but have recently reunited and things
are going okay.
I'm depressed again. I felt better during college, but the beast has returned.
I still have the urge to cut.
I still love blood, though maybe not as much.
I'm still unemployed, though I do have a little job experience now.
All in all... maybe I haven't changed as much as I like to think I have. I can still empathize with the dark, depressed person I was five years ago. I still feel hopeless and alone.
What is wrong with me?