What does love even mean to you?
If you don't give much thought to romance...
What does love even mean to you?
0 Comments
What do I want out of my ideal relationship/partner?
- Collaboration: I want to share our ideas openly, understand each other's wants and thoughts and ideas, and make decisions through agreement and compromise. - Respect and appreciation: For my partner to be able to recognize my strengths and recognize my personal value. - Support and encouragement: To help me meet my goals, pick me up when I'm down. To be there for me when I'm weak or failing, and remind me of my strengths. - To be wanted: I can be a sensual and sexual person, and I want to feel like my partner can't get enough of me. After a lifetime of feeling like no one else has wanted me, it feels so good when you show that you want me, that I turn you on, or that you want me more than anyone else. - For you to know me: I want you to know everything about who I am. I want you to always want to know more about me. To notice my personal idiosyncrasies. To know my habits. To know what I like and dislike. To know, in general, what I want. To know what makes me happy and what makes me sad. To be able to tell when I'm happy and when I'm sad. To know how to communicate with me and to know why I act the way I do. - Trust and honesty: I need to trust you, and you need to trust me. I highly value the ability to be open and honest with feelings, secrets, thoughts, and desires. Lies will poison a relationship. - Positive thinking: Make our time together fun. See the good side of things. Point out how I succeed instead of making jokes about how I fail. Don't make a big deal out of small things. Trust that we can find a solution to any problems, and help me look for those solutions. Don't hold grudges. If it's in the past, leave it in the past. - Budget conscious: I want a partner who knows how to save money for emergencies or higher-priority things. I don't like to buy a ton of stuff that will sit around unused and clutter a house. I want someone who can think of our combined income as "our" money instead of "my" money or "your" money. Bills and necessities come first; saving comes second; leftover spending money is shared between us fairly. - Romance: I want someone who never stops trying to make me swoon. Small reminders and gestures to show you're thinking about me mean the world to me. I like to be swept off my feet. - Common interests: We don't need to share all of our hobbies or interests, but I want to have some things we enjoy doing together. - Adventure: I want to see the world, try new things, and meet new people. I want to be open minded and free to explore and learn, and I want my partner to be right there exploring and learning with me. I want to do and see new things together. - Animals: I love animals, and they will probably always be part of my life. I don't think I could ever live with someone who hates animals - especially cats. If you love my animal(s) in the same way I love them, I will love you so much more because of it. - Selflessness: Love me even when it isn't convenient for you. Make time for me. Put effort into our relationship and work to solve problems. Take my feelings into consideration. If I'm struggling with something, do what you can to help lighten my load. Try to make me smile or laugh. Go out of your way to do something for me without expecting anything in return. If you let me down in some way, own up to it and give something positive back to me. - Common long-term/life goals: We need to be able to agree on where we would like to end up living. I need a partner who is okay with not having kids. I have goals that I want to meet during my life, and I need a partner who will help make sure I meet those goals instead of getting in the way of them. I want to be married to my partner once I have chosen them as my mate for life. I may need to move around a few times during my life, and my partner will need to be okay with that possibility. I find the idea of a soul mate to be incredibly sad. At least, the way it is written and romanticized in books.
The idea that there is ONE person out there, made to be with you... The odds of meeting them are astronomical. What if you live your whole life without meeting them? What if you're already in a relationship when you meet them? There is no promise that your soul mate will be hot, gorgeous, smart, caring, and loved by everyone. What if your soul mate turns out to be evil? Stupid? Unattractive? Of an unexpected gender? What if your soul mate is 30 years younger than you? Sure, looks may be secondary to personality, but it is highly unlikely that every guy could end up with a supermodel girlfriend of their dreams. There aren't enough of those types in the world to satisfy the number of men who idealize them. What if your soul mate dies? Are you doomed to live the rest of your life knowing that you will never again find love? Even if you find them, it doesn't mean the relationship is guaranteed to be a success. No matter how well you mesh with a person, there will always be arguments. So what happens when you are unhappy with them? What happens if they beat you or cheat on you - which can happen in a moment of weakness even when you absolutely love a person? Do you just say "fuck it" because you have no other option but to be with them? There is no such thing as "the one." Options exist, and you choose who you think you are compatible with. That person will likely not be the ONLY person for you. It might not even be the person you love the most in your lifetime. But the relationship has to work for you, and it has to work for them. It is dedication and cooperation, comfort and happiness. Nothing supernatural or mystical about it. That's all. First there was Brian - dmagician85.
It was an online relationship; I was 15. He asked me out in October. I liked him a lot. We'd spend hours talking online, and he shared a number of my interests, including YuGiOh. I got to talk to him on the phone a few times when my parents weren't around. I went out with him for three months, but in December I found out he was cheating on me with someone in real life. He and I both used Xanga as a journal back then, and I came across the other girl's journal. It described a romantic night they had had together. To make matters worse, after we broke up, Brian would try to manipulate me into getting back together with him. He was depressed and would threaten suicide if I left him. Feeling trapped, I lied to him for a long time, telling him I would think about it, but we eventually stopped talking and I can only assume he moved on. Second was Keith. Kevin introduced me to him. They both seemed to like me, but Keith asked me out first. He was sweet to me, and we went out for a week. Then he randomly stopped talking to me for a few days. When I finally got him to talk to me, and I asked what happened, he told me he wasn't interested and to go out with Kevin because his feelings for me were real. My entire relationship with Keith turned out to be a joke, and the first time Keith met me in real life, he later said to Kevin, "God, she's ugly." Fuck you, Keith. I've hated him ever since. He tried to apologize to me years later, because he still wanted to be friends with Kevin. I told him I could forgive him but that didn't mean I wouldn't stop disliking him. Kevin and I got together a while later, between the time when Keith and I broke up but before I moved to Florida. I didn't want to jump into a relationship with Kevin right after Keith, so I took some time to think about it. At the time... I never felt head-over-heels for Kevin. I liked him, definitely, but I never felt that initial rush of "OMG I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM" like I did with most people I had a crush on. Maybe that was a good thing, because my feelings for him grew stronger instead of fading. I'm not really sure. Although none of these were ever quite "official"... There was Chris. I had known Chris in Ohio; I went to church with him. We knew each other for a few years, but I never had the guts to ask him out and he didn't seem to like me as far as I could tell. He was also a year younger than me. It was shortly after I moved... we were talking about relationships, and he and I both ended up confessing feelings for each other. I had the "OMG I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM" feelings with Chris, and... regretfully so... had almost decided to leave Kevin for him. Chris was very passionate about his feelings for me, and we knew each other well. Sparks flew. Chris gave me support in my religious faith that I felt like I could have used at the time. He understood me. When I went back to Ohio a couple times to visit, I was able to be with him in real life, knowing our feelings for each other. We never kissed (probably would have, but he wanted his first kiss to be at his wedding), but he hugged me, and I still remember what his arms felt like around me. He was so much taller than me - it was different from hugging Kevin. We would spend days playing video games curled up against each other on the couch. But despite all that... Chris was kind of a jerk. He was kind to me, but not to others. He was an asshole to Nick, and Nick was not very happy with me for not calling him out on it. If anything, that's probably what I regret the most about Chris, because Nick should have been more important to me. But... you live and learn. In the end, Chris decided to stop talking to me, much like Keith did. When I asked him what was going on, he told me he just wasn't interested anymore. I found it hard to believe, that we could love each other one day and then the next he could feel nothing for me. I still don't really know how that happened, but... it was for the best. He grew up to be a pastor with a beard I can't stand, and he's now married someone else. I grew up to turn atheist, accept bisexuality, and fall in love with a man much kinder than he ever was. It took me a long time to get over Chris, but I am very grateful that I didn't make the mistake of leaving Kevin. I told Kevin about Chris, and he forgave me. There was also Kezi - Shawna. My lesbian Canadian friend. I knew her for a few years, and we eventually met up at an Emilie Autumn concert in Burlington, ON. It was one of the most magical weekends of my life. Kezi and I "clicked" immediately. Although I didn't have a crush on her at the time, she had some feelings for me, and I felt so comfortable around her. In the cold rain outside the club while we waited for the concert to start, we held each other to keep warm. Everything about her was soft and comforting. I only had two days with her, but they were memorable. After coming back home, she and I continued to talk online. Around the summer of 2011, she and I started to entertain the idea of entering a sort of relationship. It was the first time I had ever considered a poly relationship. I had no intention of leaving Kevin, I made that clear, but I liked her, she liked me, and Kevin knew how I felt. He gave me permission to explore my relationship with Kezi. Kezi really wanted someone in real life, however, and I agreed that if she ever met someone she could be with in real life, I would leave her to it. She and I then started planting the seeds for a more romantic relationship... we would flirt with each other and talk about what we would do if we had a chance to be together for real. We made plans for her to visit me soon. And then Kezi ended up disappearing for a month. I didn't hear from her. The days we had planned on getting together came and went without a word. When I finally heard from her again, it turned out she had gotten into a tough situation with a roommate and had been unable to contact me. She was frightened for her life and not doing well. I called her... to hear her voice, to comfort her. We talked for a while. She eventually got out of her situation and soon afterward was able to talk to me via webcam. We spent a few days talking that way, and online. Self consciously, I would sometimes dress myself up for her with makeup and everything when I would video chat with her. She called me out on it, and she made me laugh. It was maybe a month or so after she came back to me... she met someone else. At first Kezi would tell me that the girl was just a friend. That she was straight and was not a romantic interest... But I could hear something underneath Kezi's words that told me otherwise. I knew the truth without her having to say it. I wish she'd just been honest with me. It was a week or two later that Kezi told me she had slept with the other girl, that they were together now. It hurt, but at the same time I did feel happy that Kezi found someone. I backed off from our romantic relationship, and we continued to talk as friends after that. Unfortunately... I'm afraid I've lost Kezi as a friend now. And I don't even know if I'm okay with that or not. Kezi's new girlfriend was bisexual... and they would sometimes have issues over the fact that the girl was more interested in guys. Kezi would come to me and rant about how "bisexual girls do nothing but break your heart", and how nobody ever seemed to want her for anything but sex; how nobody wanted to claim her as a girlfriend in public. I have no idea if she was talking about me or just her girl or if she at all realized that she offended me. But those conversations hurt much worse than it ever did to lose her to another girl. I wanted to call her a liar... to tell her that I would have done differently if I had only been given the chance. I never just wanted her for sex. I wanted her as a girlfriend. I would have gladly, gladly have taken her out and not been afraid to show her off as my girlfriend in public. If anything, she was the one who wanted to keep things not too serious between us. She was the one who was very clearly willing to leave me at a moment's notice. And I don't blame her for that, but she has no right to accuse me of something I never felt for a second. I still can't decide if I want to talk to Kezi again since that, and I often have to see pictures of her with her girlfriend up on facebook. It's good she's happy, but I can't help feeling bitter over how she took her anger out on me. Maybe it's worth talking to her again... I don' know. My relationship with Kevin...
It's been a long journey. At times I'm crazy about him, at times I wish for someone else. At times I think he saves me from everything else in the world, and at times I feel like he's helpless and I'm just dragging him along behind me. That feels terrible to say, but... it's true. We've been together for almost seven and a half years now. That should mean something, and it does. We met in high school. We made it out of high school. We made it through college. We made it out of college. And now we're basically right back to where we were before. I do appreciate a lot of things in our relationship. He's almost always willing to work things out with me, and he often tries to understand how I feel about things, even if he really doesn't anyway. He's cute, smart, loyal, and likeable enough toward other people. My parents like him. My family likes him. So what's wrong with me? We've had our share of problems. I suppose when I think about it, I probably blame him for more things than I should... I think I direct some of my own insecurities onto him. Ever since graduation though, we've had this "thing" looming over our heads... The simple fact of life that we both need to grow up and get lives of our own. I'm honestly worried it's going to end up tearing us apart... We're both college graduates now. Unemployed. Living with our parents... As for me, I'm miserable. I hate it here. I hate my parents, I hate being stuck in this room, I hate this city, I hate that all of my friends are gone, and I just want to be somewhere else. I've tried applying to multiple rigging jobs and nothing has been working out. The stress is making me more into a zombie each and every day. By the end of the year I'm going to start applying to stores in the city to gather funds to probably move elsewhere. Kevin doesn't mind living at home. Although his nephew is seriously getting on his nerves at times, that's just a temporary inconvenience to him. His parents don't seem to put any pressure on him to leave, and he seems reluctant to go. He doesn't act eager at all to get out there and start a life with me. I think that's part of what hurts me the most... I'd like to marry Kevin. In an ideal world, I could get a job, save up enough money to get an apartment of my own... as would he. We'd spend a short time living on our own, and eventually end up marrying and living together. We'd spend the rest of our lives keeping each other company and exploring the world together. Just being ourselves. I'm kind of terrified of how Kevin acts when the idea of being self sufficient comes up in conversation. Nothing he does or says ever indicates that he feels the need or motivation to live his own life and get out into the world. It's just easier for him to stay sheltered. It just terrifies me. I don't want to be with someone like that... I don't want to be with someone who never wants to step out of their safe zone for the sake of living their life. God knows I'm often a hermit myself, but I still long to be adventurous once in a while. And that makes me feel pathetic. Why am I with someone when I'm just expecting him to change who he is? Am I not supposed to find someone who already fits me and my personality in a complimentary way? Why should he have to change for me to be happy with him? I guess I justify it to myself by saying that he'll have to change sooner or later. That he can't live with his parents forever. That this period of his life HAS to end eventually, and when that time comes, we can finally move on. And while trying to change him, I'm trying to support him. I don't want to just tell him "change this, or else." I want to be encouraging... to give him a shove in the right direction so that he'll be a better person for it. But it's like, every time I give him a shove, all he does is balk and refuse to change direction. What am I supposed to do with that? I've almost broken up with him several times over the course of our relationship... Lately I've been thinking about it fairly frequently. Wondering if this is really what I want out of my relationship, and if I'm serious about it. Deep down, I think that's why Kevin and I have waited so long... Why we've been together for over seven years and still haven't had sex. Because I'm afraid.... I don't want to give it up to someone I don't feel sure about, and I don't feel sure about him. I want to feel sure about him. I want a relationship like the movies. Someone who sweeps me off my feet. Who loves me for everything I am, good or bad. Someone who understands me. But who am I kidding, right? This is coming from the girl who has never really been loved by anyone. No one's ever wanted me... Everyone I ever fell head over heels for has dumped me and left me to rot. No one I'd like would ever want me. Even if Kevin doesn't always give me 100%, I feel like I should be grateful for getting that much. Why do I have to be so miserable. Why do I have to feel so alone. Is this what relationships are supposed to be? Is this what I want my relationship to be? I'm afraid of losing him... after this long. Is it worth losing him, just to spend the rest of my life alone...? If I had the option of being with someone else, would I? Would I leave him for Sansha, if she were here and available...? Right now... I just... don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to live my life. I lost my instruction manual. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. And no one is here to guide me. i only wish i could be honest.
i wish i could tell you the first day of school was so miserable that by lunch i was on teh verge of cutting again. i wish i could tell you how i feel like all i do is hurt you. i wish i could tell you that when i feel like dying, one of my thoughts is "i wont hurt him again" i wish i could tell you that the slightest thought of you leaving the room brings me to tears i wish i could tell you how hopelessly lost i would be without you i wish i could tell you i'd take my time with you over anything else in the world. even things that i should be doing. i wish i could tell you how im thinking of dropping/postponing my college plans just so i could be with you. i wish i could tell you how hopelessly pointless my life feels. i wish i could tell you how desperately i want to be myself again--and have you understand. i wish i could explain how utterly pathetic i really am i wish i could show you me--behind my mask--without hurting you i wish i could tell you i'd never hurt you i wish i could tell you we deserve each other equally. i wish... i hope... i want... to be with you... forever... if only i could be honest... why bother...
...when you just get screwed over anyway. you take the stars of the sky and make them mine
the heavens burst out in song when i am in your arms declaring my love for you no more stress, no more fear you make everything better by just being here i want you to stay forever even if it may seem selfish, i couldnt imagine life without you being there to hold me minutes seem like days when youre far away it kills me to wait until i can look in your eyes once again i could never get enough of you, but i will try as i walk through life with you |
AuthorIf you somehow find yourself looking at this blog, please leave the page. This is a personal place for venting thoughts. Archives
July 2013
Categories
All
|