I'm sorry, but I just need to get this off my chest...
What you said was true.
Your friend's boyfriend is an asshole.
Being bi, I understand how he feels, but it doesn't make it right.
And now I feel like an asshole.
Just two days ago, I was contemplating exactly how I could talk to Kevin about letting me be with a girl. Whether or not he would feel very upset over it, whether or not he'd be okay with it...
We've talked about rules of me getting to kiss another girl... He said I could if we could share the experience.
I said okay, but honestly, I really don't want to. I want to be able to have a straight up lesbian experience... just me and the girl and the emotions between us. I don't want my only lesbian experience to be sharing a girl. It's just not the same, at all, to me.
And as much as I wish it wasn't true, that makes me an asshole.
I'm no better than that guy you've ranted about... who is a "douchebag" that doesn't deserve his girlfriend.
I love my boyfriend; I'd like to have an experience with another girl; and I don't want to share.
The only difference is, I could probably settle for just one lesbian experience, but even that's not a guarantee. Considering that four years ago I was saying I'd never need an experience with a girl.
I'm no better than my father, in the end... Trying so hard, but in the end, I'm nothing but a cheating douchebag.
Why can't I control myself? Why do I even have to feel this way? I have almost no desire whatsoever to be with other guys... But I feel obsessed with girls. I think about them all the time... I crave them.
But I can't even tell if it's just because I have an idealistic version of a lesbian experience in my head, or if I really do just like girls that much better. It's driving me insane. I feel miserable because I'm battling myself 24/7 over how I'm supposed to feel.
It feels very similar to the way I used to think of guys... Before I had a real relationship, I fantasized about them in much the same idealistic way. Now that I have the experience of being with a guy though, I don't quite feel that same desire anymore. Not in a physical aspect anyway.
That's why I want to be with a girl. Just once... To shatter this idealism I hold trapped inside me, making me miserable...
It's hardly been five years since I realized I liked girls. I can't live the rest of my life like this... So it doesn't really feel like I have a choice. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt Kevin, and I don't want to lose him, but I NEED to do this...
I'm an asshole...
A selfish, empty, miserable asshole.
And, for the record, I can't even be upset with you for making me feel this way. Because I know I deserve every bit of it.