My mom used to tell me that it was my aunt's fault my cousin turned out gay. It made me think a lot about nature vs. nurture.
But the more I think about it, the more I find reasons of why it's made sense all along.
I used to have an attraction to my sister...
I don't think I actually wanted her that way, but I can recognize the feeling I had when I would put my arms around her... My hands on her waist... There was a time I came up and hugged her from behind, and she mistook the gesture as being one from her boyfriend. That was the moment when I realized what I was feeling with her might not be normal. Needless to say, I've kept my distance from her since.
I've always felt more comfortable with girls. Talking, hugging, cuddling, touching... I love being in contact with girls.
Girls are so beautiful. Their shape, their softness, their curves...
It would explain the way I felt about Srijana. How I never knew her that well but loved her all the same... I was always touching her... My arm on her shoulder, pulling her into a hug, sitting together... The day I was waiting out in the snow for Jeremy to come pick me up, and we held each other to keep warm... How inexplicably hurt I felt when she told me she slept with that guy... Looking back, I have a hard time believing I would have taken it so hard if Melissa, Erin, or Emily had told me they slept with someone.
And Sansha... How much I've felt for Sansha... How I would long to be with her... The amount of time, love, and pain I've held for her...
And Kezi... The weekend we had in Canada... Where we snuggled in the cold rain... The endless flirting over IM and webcam...
How I feel comfortable with all of it... How natural it all feels...
I have a hard time coming up with a real reason of knowing how I'm bisexual without having had the experience... But I just know. Why else would I feel these things?
Sometimes I wonder I might just be a lesbian, even. I feel that sure about my attraction to girls. But then I remind myself of all the guys I've found attractive...
I like the dominance of men. Shy sensitivity. The ability to fix things.
I like spiky black hair and piercing blue eyes. Lean bodies and soothing deep voices.
I'm attracted to Kevin. I like touching him, and feeling his skin against mine. He makes me feel comfortable being myself.
I used to be attracted to guys as much as girls, I think. When I was in middle school, I'd have crushes... and I fell for several of my online friends over the years. All guys.
I was happy with the boyfriends I had, at the time I had them. I never felt disinterested.
So... Why wouldn't I be bisexual? I like both guys and girls. It's who I am.