This whole past month has felt like an emotional roller coaster. One week I'm super happy, the next I feel like complete crap. This seems to be one of the crap weeks.
There's so many things all at once causing me to feel this way that I don't even know where to begin to try to fix it, or even if I'm able to. As I've mentioned in my journal before, I live with my parents, and I hate just being here. Even when my parents aren't doing anything in particular to bother me, just being in this house puts a permanent rain cloud over my head. But I can't move out with no money to do so, and I haven't had any luck getting a job so far, so I can't get the money I need. I've been sending out a whole bunch of job applications, without any responses so far. That in itself isn't doing much to help my self confidence or motivation.
This week was the week school started for most people, but having graduated earlier this year, it's the first time in my life I'm not going to be attending classes. As unusual as it may or may not be, I loved going to school. So much so that not being able to go anymore is actually quite depressing to me. I loved my classes in college, I loved the people there, I loved the environment, and I loved learning. I wanted to continue on and go to grad school more than anything.. but my parents refused to help me pay for any more education, and I could never afford it on my own. So this week, my friends/classmates who had gotten into grad school moved on without me, and I've had to listen to them talk about how awesome it is, while I'm stuck at home.
I'm not even entirely certain where I'm going with my life. Even if I do get a job sooner or later, most of the jobs available in my field of study are out of state. I've never been able to travel very far from where I've lived, and the thought of just picking up and moving into another state on my own on top of having to completely support myself is a bit... scary, to say the least. Something I could handle if I had to, yes, but it's still rather daunting.
Not to mention I don't even know where my mate is going to fit in in all of this, as he's not keen on moving out of state anytime soon and has no job either. We both need to move forward with our lives, but I don't know what I'd do if I got a job in one state and he got a job in another state. We were in a long distance relationship for the past four years, but we were at least in the same state and able to see each other every so often. I don't think I could handle being in a different state or across the country.
So most of my time nowadays is spent just trying to keep myself sane. Mostly involving getting out of the house as much as possible, or burying myself in artwork or other projects that keep my mind busy. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.
The good news is - I do still have good days, at least. Although this week has been crappy, I was able to spend several days hanging out with one of my good friends from school. Considering how difficult it was to get her to hang out with me back when I lived in the same city, I was pleasantly surprised that she agreed to drive an hour to come spend a weekend with me here. Then a few weeks later I was able to go spend a weekend at her house. She was the best friend I made while I was in college, so it makes me happy that we're still staying in touch after college ended. I just hope it continues that way.
I also was able to spend a few days with my mate and his family at a beach resort, which was nice. Got to do some tourist-y things in the area, and the weather wasn't too bad except for when it got super hot the last couple days. It was a nice little vacation anyway.