Maybe the kitten is alone in the rain, the last in a box of "free kittens". Days pass and the kitten is alone and abandoned. The kitten starts to act aggressive due to poor treatment, but a puppy comes along. The kitten is unsure to trust the puppy at first, but the puppy wins the kitten's heart, and they become best friends.
I'd really like to make an animated short someday about a puppy and kitten that symbolizes my relationship with Kevin.
Maybe the kitten is alone in the rain, the last in a box of "free kittens". Days pass and the kitten is alone and abandoned. The kitten starts to act aggressive due to poor treatment, but a puppy comes along. The kitten is unsure to trust the puppy at first, but the puppy wins the kitten's heart, and they become best friends.
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I've said in one of my earlier journals that I don't really know what I'm doing with my life because I always figured my plan was to graduate from college, get a job, and move out on my own. Since that hasn't quite been working out though, I've been trying to consider other options. One of those options is trying to turn my art commissions into a self-employed job. It would have some nice benefits in the long run, even if I do finally get the job in animation that I wanted in the first place.
A lot of animation jobs are just temporary contracts, you can't always settle down with a long-term job at one company. Because of that, sometimes you end up with stretches of time in-between jobs. It would be really nice to keep up art commissions on the side for whenever I end up between jobs, you know? And the more I improve my art, the more I also improve my 3D work. Being familiar with anatomy and lighting and movement in a 2D image is immensely helpful when you go to work with a 3D medium. So, you know... working with my art, I do feel a little less hopeless about where I'll end up in the future. I think it will work out eventually. Being a commission artist right now doesn't have to mean giving up on my dreams to work on animated movies somewhere down the road. BUT. It's a slow climb up to the point where art commissions pay enough to give me that kind of support, so it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. Which doesn't mesh with the fact that I don't want to live here and my parents are always demanding results RIGHT NAO. I've been burying myself in art over the past week or two. On the days I don't draw, I'm often spending the day watching episodes of Dexter with my mate (which is awesome because Dexter is basically my favorite TV show ever and I'm finally getting him to watch it with me :P).
I've been doing a lot of livestreaming. I had downloaded a new version of Procaster the other day, the program I use to stream from my desktop. I'd previously been using Procaster version 2 - I realized that the latest version is 20, lol. It was a bit frustrating because the majority of the newer releases were very buggy, but eventually I found one that worked well. It's a lot better than before now. I used to have to fight with the program to keep it streaming the whole time, but now the whole thing goes pretty smoothly. People get to watch me draw, listen to some music, and chat through the day. I really love streaming my work, much more so now that Procaster is cooperative. It's a lot of fun to interact with people in the stream, and sometimes I get to meet new people. Sometimes we talk about art, sometimes we just talk about random stuff, and sometimes I doodle silly things in response to the conversation. It's so much more interactive than chatting with someone over MSN or whatever. I'll often stream for 6-10 hours at a time. By the end of the night, my eyes will feel tired and my arm will be sore from working so long, but I'll have been grinning so much that my face hurts. I feel completely ridiculous sitting here smiling and laughing at my computer screen, but it makes me happy. I love talking to people, I love drawing, and I love working. For once I feel like I'm getting something accomplished, even if it isn't much in the big scheme of things. My art doesn't do much as far as supporting me, but with the way life has been going, it's just nice to have something to do that makes me happy for a while. It's a good thing. There's been a lot of other things going on lately that I was going to write about, but I'll leave it for now. :P I don't know if I'm cut out for this anymore.
Maybe I'm not meant to be a rigger... Maybe I was never destined to make it into the credits of a movie... I'm not good enough... I don't know enough. What I learned in school isn't enough to get me a job anywhere. There's a reason that nobody is getting back to me about jobs. Maybe they're right... I wish, with all of my heart, that I would have been able to go to grad school... I feel like I missed the boat. That it was my last chance... What the hell have I done... I don't know anything. I'm inexperienced, and I can't get my act together to practice on my own. My work is shit. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to hire me. I'm not worth it, and I can't network if my life depended on it. I am shit. I feel like shit. I'm thinking about just trying to turn furry art commissions into a full time thing. I believe I could do it. I'm at least a little more confident in that fact. I have the skills I need to do it. But that's not really what I wanted to do with my life... Nor is it going to make me rich. What a fucking waste of life. I've done everything I was told would get me where I wanted to be, and I am nowhere. Nowhere... Why did I ever want to be an artist?
I have to ask myself that sometimes. When I was preparing to go into college, I was stuck deciding between three majors I was interested in. English, Animation, and Computer Science. Animation was what I decided on. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I chose a different path. I absolutely loved my time at college. I loved learning animation, I loved being surrounded by creative people, and I wouldn't be the artist I am today had I not gone into animation. I wouldn't have taken my art classes, and I wouldn't have had any real motivation to take my art seriously. And art makes me so happy. But on the other hand... now that school is over, I sit here jobless and... not so happy anymore. Granted, the job market is pretty bad for just about everyone nowadays, but computer science certainly has a wider range of jobs available in more areas. Maybe I would have been happier in the end. Or maybe I wouldn't. I know there's nothing I can do to change the past or anything, so I know it's not even worth thinking about. But I can't say it hasn't crossed my mind. I really feel like I wouldn't give up my experiences at college for anything... I just wish things were different right now. I don't know if anyone is ever curious about the details, stories, or origins of my furry characters. It doesn't entirely matter, but I do like to talk about them every now and again. They're very personal to me, and they both inspire me and help me to better understand myself. Although Zephyr is the only one I consider a "fursona" because she is entirely based off me, I have four other characters who each serve a purpose in representing an aspect of my personality.
Tonight I have been thinking about Alexis, in particular. She is a husky/cattle dog mix. Alexis and I don't always get along together, so to speak. She is the only one of my characters that I have difficulties with when it comes to "feeling" her role. It's not that I find anything wrong with her design or personality... I don't think I'd ever want change her. But when I draw or write about my characters, I always put myself in the mindset of what they represent - be it courage, shyness, violence, playfulness, or whatever. That is what I struggle with when I draw or write about Alexis. I've wondered for a while now why I feel so disjointed when it comes to Alexis, but I've developed a theory. Alexis is, essentially, everything I hate being. The things I don't want to be defined as. Paranoid, fearful, withdrawn, depressed, antisocial, confused, stressed, insecure, and damaged... among other things. Alexis, to me, is the person I am when I'm around my parents. Anyone who has been reading my journal should see what that does to me. Being Alexis is not a happy person to be. And I think I don't enjoy drawing and writing about her as much because I don't like to feel that way. I don't like that part of myself. I am all of those things she is, and I'm not really okay with that. So you might wonder, why do I bother with her then? Well, partly because that's exactly the purpose she is supposed to serve. Whether I like it or not, those things are a part of my personality. No matter how much I hate it, I want to be able to accept that someday. I want to be able to recognize those pieces of myself so that eventually I can work to overcome them. And that's what Alexis is for me. The more I work with her, and the more I develop her story and character, the more I fall in love with her as a person. I get closer to loving who I am. Good and bad... strengths and flaws. Nothing is impossible to love, once you can come to understand it. It's easy to love my other characters, because I see all the good parts of myself in them. With Alexis, it will take time. But I hope that I will learn to accept her more. I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. It's like 4:30 AM and I'm half asleep. I just felt like musing about this, since it's been on my mind. Off to bed now~ This is why I like to draw for free:
I chose to do a request for someone on FA recently. He re-posted the art in his own gallery with permission. He happened to commission a very well-known artist around the same time. This well-known artist posted the commissioned artwork a few days after my freebie was posted. I got three new watches out of that free request, by coincidence. I wouldn't have gotten them otherwise. Booyah. Today I did nothing but draw all day.
It was great. <3 I've been struggling with an art block for about two months, and it felt good just to be able to draw again. And to not only draw for a long time, but end up with some stuff that actually looks good. I've been able to reopen art commissions, which will hopefully help with my complete lack of funds to do anything at all. Being able to draw again doesn't solve all my problems, but it's sure made me feel better for today at least. I hope to start applying to some stores around here within the next couple days. I need a job, and for now I've given up relying on finding one in my field. I dislike feeling like I went to school and learned a specialized trade for nothing, but you know... what can you do. Still going to apply to places, I just can't wait around forever. But I'm not going to worry about jobs right now, because for today, I am feeling okay. |
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