just dont keep turning into the person i hate.....
how can you even claim to care? youve left this empty hole in me, and you continue to hack away at it. every time i try to ignore it, you just act like it never happened. i dont want that. i want it to be in the past but still remembered... i dont want to go back to you, because i need someone who at least pretends to care. but at the same time, i dont think the void you left in me will ever be filled...
just dont keep turning into the person i hate.....
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this is why i've sliced these scars into my arm. the constant pressure and uneasiness. the feeling of being forced to be out in the open all the time. never being able to keep my own secrets. everything should be out in the open with everything else. perhaps this is why.
but this was a secret i felt i could keep. it was my dirty little secret. the thing i kept personal. my last remaining scrap of safety. it was private knowledge. something i dont get anymore. everything is everyones business, whether you care or not. yes, this may be why. this pressure i've felt all my life, but never this severe. this is why i started. the pain has been familiar. this is why i continued. all of a sudden i have everyone imposing on my privacy. this is why i like it. i need my own secrets. this is why i'm addicted. i'm not always as alone as i think i am. this is why i need to stop. but the pressure just gets worse. this is why it's harder. i'm almost free of the burden. this is why i will stop... no matter what it takes... i miss you erin... <3 english class will never be the same. of course, never will spanish class either. i just started getting to know you more during 9th grade, and you became one of my closest friends, and now i wish i could still be there, just dont let anyone get you down. but... you know what? death is still funny.
srijana, sometimes you drive me crazy. all i want is the best for you, because i know you deserve it. so, if im ever mad at you, its only because i dont feel like you understand that. but you do deserve it. i can totally understand the pain you feel from moving, and i know you can get over it. just remember im here to talk to, about anything, because even if you think it will make me upset with you, i couldnt stop loving you. katie... i wish i could be there to talk to you. i loved the times we spent together (eating a party sized jar of peanuts with ashley... hehe) i just hope you can hang on with everything thats happening. i love you girl <3 ashley, mi chica, haha, ive missed you like mad since you moved. we've become so much closer, youve helped me through a lot of things that have happened. id be so lost without you lol. bobe and i miss you <3... and bob the pillow ;) nick... what can i say? youre my other half, virtually always by my side ever since we were born. i know things get rough sometimes, but i know you can get through them. it kills me to have our bond severed this way, i miss the understanding you and i have always had. im going to come visit as much as i can no matter if our moms hate each other or not. theyre not taking you away from me :P and melissa. i'll always miss the jokes you and i bounced off each other while playing ssbm haha. im sorry to see us grow apart, but X1.7 will always be my proudest work. brian. the first person i gave my trust to, and you broke it. it has partially mended over time, but im not sure it will ever be the same. its nothing against you, but it would be difficult for me to ever try again, even with as much as i care about you. people make mistakes, i know, but sometimes you just have to try harder. i'm not stupid, and it felt like you thought that to keep trying to get away with what you did. i dont hate you for it, i'm not mad at all, i actually understand quite well, and so i forgive you. but thats not all it takes to get me back... keith, you couldnt even scratch the surface of understanding what you did to me. you make me sick-- quite literally. i could never quite get how you could be so heartless to do what you did, but its over. you kicked me when i was down, and i will never forgive you for it, because i know you will never bother apologizing. chris... its bad when i have to say that nick was right about you. but you know what, i didnt care, because i fell in love with you. do i regret it? not really. do i wish you had at least understood what that meant to me? yeah, i do. you said you understood, and that you wished the same thing, but i dont believe it. you broke my heart, and i could accept that, its not like its never happened before, but all i asked for was a sincere apology in return to at least tell you cared at all. my loving boyfriend, kevin. of course we've had our ups and downs, but we've been making it. i cant express the appreciation i have for you, and i hate to admit i cant even compare to you. while ive been with you, i've become what i hate, and you deserve better, whether you think so or not. i hate hurting you, but it happens anyway. i just wish i had the words to say im sorry to amount to how much i feel that way. youve been there for me-- the only one there for me --during my move and since ive been here. youve given me some of the happiest memories of my life, and ill always love you for that, and everything else you do... my sister, cara. i probably wouldve never made it through childhood without you. we've been unbelievably close for sisters, and ive appreciated it more than you realize. and even though we've sorta grown apart since you left, i still love you, care bear <3 to the ones who ruined everything-- my parents: yes, you've almost destroyed me by what youve done. youve taken everything i have, and i dont think ill ever get over that. sorry ive never been good enough for you. and last, but best of all, christina, my love. you were the first to venture out and talk to me, the quiet little girl in mr gotch's class, and little did either of us know that we would become so close. youve brought out the best of me when i was with you, and i just hope we can have even more of the fun random moments ive had with you. ill always love you, no matter what, and it kills me to be apart from you because its killing our friendship, but youre still my bff in my heart... some of these things ive been waiting to say forever. some have already been heard. but these things are what i wish to say to the important people of my life. yes, i may have left out one or two, but i still love those people all the same. i just wish i could express my true feelings, good or bad, to those mentioned. but, until that ever happens, silence fills the air... ..::sometimes i just wish i could erase my memory and die in peace::.. why bother...
...when you just get screwed over anyway. |
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