Today sucked though. And not therapy itself, just the whole day.
I woke up too early this morning, I don't know why, and I couldn't get back to sleep at all. Inevitably, I started feeling terribly sick. After an hour or two I threw up, then started feeling better. Eventually I felt okay enough to eat breakfast/lunch, then I sat down to play some video games. Around the time I needed to start getting ready to go to therapy, I started feeling really sick again. I tried laying down for a few minutes, taking a Tums, and really nothing was helping. My allergies were terrible and I could barely breathe. I felt like my nose and stomach were just filled with mucous. I felt so nauseous.
So I took some allergy medicine and left for my appointment. I was 50% sure I might have to puke before I got there, but I thought I might be okay. It was only worse, however, when the allergy medicine started kicking in and I started getting drowsy. So I was trying to drive while nauseous and sleepy. Terrible combination, I know.
As a result, I ended up speeding a bit more today than I usually do. I usually never go above 50 on the roads here, where they are 45... but because I was distracted, I noticed just as I was reaching the causeway bridge that I was going about 60. I had just noticed this and was beginning to slow down when I crested the hill on the bridge and saw a cop sitting at its base on the other side. My heart sank, I knew I'd been going fast, and I immediately tried to slow down hoping I might slow down in time, but he saw me. As I passed him, he turned his car into the road behind me and turned on his lights. I sighed and pulled over.
The guy came up to my window and introduced himself and said he pulled me over for speeding. I didn't care to argue, cry, or apologize, so I didn't do any of those things. I was polite and accepted what he was telling me. I knew it was my fault. He asked me where I was going, and I said I had a therapy appointment.
He said he clocked me at 59 in the 45 zone. I didn't think I'd been over 55 at that point, but I was going down the hill of the bridge, so maybe it was true, I don't know. He was fairly nice, didn't scare me or anything, and he carefully explained what I needed to do to take care of the ticket. He said he knocked my speed down to 54 on the ticket, so that saved me about $60 at least. Afterward, he told me to be careful re-entering the road, and pulled away.
I'm mad at myself. I know I should have been paying attention. I honestly do not speed that much normally. I always try to keep it within 5 mph of the limit at least. I was stupid.
By the time I got to the office, I was a couple minutes late and ready to cry. I had barely stepped into the room before I started bawling. Andrea asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't speak yet. She asked me if my cat had died, and I said no. Eventually I was able to tell her that I had gotten my first ticket on my way there. She talked to me about that for a while, sharing stories about situations she's gotten into herself. After a few minutes I felt better enough that I could stop crying about it... but I've still felt terrible the rest of the day.
Getting the ticket really isn't that big of a deal... I was afraid about how Kevin might react when I told him, and I was angry at myself, but it wasn't a big deal. But why now... As if this month hasn't been expensive enough. As if I can even afford this... Even if it could have waited one month to happen, it would have been better. I think I've probably spend about $500 this month, and all of it has been necessities. The new AC game came out today - which I have been dying to play - but I don't know when I'll be able to afford it. I don't think I can buy anything for myself anytime soon. And I probably will end up deciding to cancel any Christmas gifts for anyone else to try to recuperate.
Anyway...
So after we talked about that, I had to tell Andrea how Joy's dental procedure had gone. I started bawling all over again during that. I could barely get myself to say the words "...her heart wanted to stop." But Joy is okay. Hopefully she'll fully recover.
After that discussion, Andrea suggested that we move on to one of the new topics I've had in mind that I wanted to work on, now that I've been improving my anxiety and depression. I wanted to talk to her about my life in Ohio, so I did.
I barely knew where to start, and it was really hard to talk about some of it, but I forced it out. I started crying a few more times throughout it. I told her how I was raised in a strict Christian family, and how that means I'm often disconnected from my peers because I don't share a lot of the same childhood memories. How we went to church all the time, and how we moved to a second church after my dad's affair. I told her I went to a Christian elementary school, then switched to public school in 7th grade. I told her how we were going to move before 9th grade, but my mom didn't stick to her word and we moved after 9th grade instead. I told her how I had close family up there, about how my aunt was a second mother to me and my cousins were more like brothers. How my mom harasses me about spending time with my grandma. How my aunt and their family can often be just as dysfunctional as my own family but in their own way. How Nick and I have grown apart...
I touched on a little bit of all of it. I think the part about my family was covered the most today, but there will definitely be more to talk about in future sessions. After I talked about losing my family, Andrea noted how it was a "loss" to me, and the word seemed like a vast understatement. I said that pretty much the only things I kept in the move to Florida was my depression and my bad relationship with my parents.
Today was just a bad day...
After all of this, I really wanted to see Kevin, but he's been very busy with school this week... I can't blame him, his schoolwork is important... but I really wish I had him here right now...
I'm going to sleep now. Maybe I will feel better in the morning...