Except I'm not.
I'm not getting the time and attention I need and deserve from you, and that's not something I should apologize for. I shouldn't have to feel sorry about wanting to spend time with you. Wanting to be with you. Wanting you to be with me. Expecting you to follow through when we make plans.
It would be far more convenient if I was able to simply switch "off" my need to be with you, but I can't. I need you. I feel lonely and hurt and lost when you're not here. I want you to listen to me. I want you to hear me out when I tell you I'm sad. I want you to tell me that you understand how difficult this is for me. That you have some sort of inkling that this is a constant, daily struggle for me.
You did so many things right tonight, except it just didn't feel right. You made the time to hang with me, but you were late without letting me know. You gave me a wonderful massage, but were on the verge of falling asleep the rest of the time you were here. You offered to stay an extra hour to make up for being late, but weren't open to listening to my concerns when you saw I was upset. I enjoyed seeing and talking to you while you ate dinner, but it took up all of the time we could have had alone if you weren't late.
All of that aside, I can't help but feel like you would have acted differently if you knew tonight was the night you were supposed to get those magazines you've been waiting for. They're all you've been able to talk about lately. I chose to hang out tonight because you were going to get the magazines tomorrow. If I knew you were going to be so late, I would have rather hung out with you tomorrow.
Since tonight didn't go as planned, I asked you if I could come over later tomorrow so we could have sex, and you complained, "When am I supposed to be able to read my magazines?" ...You did not at all sound like you were joking. You did not tell me you were joking. It sounded like the many, many other times where you get an idea in your head about how you want to spend the day and I come along and ruin your plans by wanting something else. You only told me, half-heartedly, that you were joking after I got upset.
And you made plans for Friday. You said you were going out to eat with people from the lab. After mentioning that I might like to hang out with you on Friday, you said that maybe I could come along, as an after-thought. Maybe...
When you started working, you promised me that I would have the evenings and weekends with you. That you wouldn't stay late at the lab. It was true at first, but you've been staying later and later, and going to bed earlier. At best, I've had 4 hours with you at night lately, and part of those 4 hours are spent eating dinner and showering and doing whatever you need to do at home.
Maybe I am needy, I don't know. I'm sure it wouldn't bother me so much if I had more stuff to do during the day, but I don't know what else to do about it right now. I wish I didn't need you so badly, but I do. I miss you so fucking much when you're not here. I want you to come home to me after your long days of work instead of having to go out of your way to see me.
I fucking hate it.
I just want you to know that.
I love you and need you and I fucking hate that I can't be with you.
That's all.