I haven't really spoken about it to anyone... Ever since I realized that I have lost the best friend I once had, it has been tearing me up inside... For months.
Nick and I were always together. He was family, a brother to me, and my best friend. He and I would share everything. We grew up together, spending every weekend together at least. We went to the same church, shared the same struggles with depression. Even after losing everyone else, I felt like I could still always go to him to talk.
But that has been shattered. Split, torn asunder, broken.
We started drifting apart a long time ago... I can see that. He led a different life than I did after I had moved. He has had his struggles with loneliness, has had found new friends, and got involved with substances I would never care to touch. He is an intellectual that only ever wants to debate or discuss philosophies or sciences.
I have been lonely in a different way. I have had the chance to explore a serious relationship, but I have fared poorly when it comes to friends. I have leaned toward creativity. I would rather spend time watching movies and working on art than wasting my time thinking about politics or math. I have upheld my personal standards that I do not wish to drink, smoke, or get high.
Though he and I still play video games the way we used to, we have even branched off differently in that way. He prefers FPS, I prefer RPG or adventure. He's an Xbox guy, I'm a Sony girl. He has a PC for gaming, I only have my Mac.
But I think he lost interest in our friendship long before I did. He never spoke with me about the first times he experienced the things he gained interest in. He only reluctantly told me about it much later. He has ignored some of the efforts I've taken to reconnect with him, in favor of losing himself in his thoughts. He prefers being alone than being with me...
Perhaps I am partially at fault. I never told him a whole lot about the things I've experienced either. But much of that is due to the fact that I didn't feel like he'd want to know. Nobody who is longing for a relationship wants to hear you gush about the first kiss you've gotten or mushy details about your sex life. The person who used to be your best friend doesn't want to hear about all the new friends you're making to replace their old presence in your life. I have no job to speak of, and hardly any adventures. I have a hard time talking to him about my depression because it affects me differently than it does him.
Everything feels lost...
While I know he will probably never be gone from my life for good, the relationship we once had has died. I don't think things will ever be the same, even if I made an attempt to fix them. We've lost too much. And that is what upsets me.