It's been a long journey.
At times I'm crazy about him, at times I wish for someone else. At times I think he saves me from everything else in the world, and at times I feel like he's helpless and I'm just dragging him along behind me.
That feels terrible to say, but... it's true.
We've been together for almost seven and a half years now. That should mean something, and it does.
We met in high school. We made it out of high school. We made it through college. We made it out of college. And now we're basically right back to where we were before.
I do appreciate a lot of things in our relationship. He's almost always willing to work things out with me, and he often tries to understand how I feel about things, even if he really doesn't anyway. He's cute, smart, loyal, and likeable enough toward other people. My parents like him. My family likes him.
So what's wrong with me?
We've had our share of problems. I suppose when I think about it, I probably blame him for more things than I should... I think I direct some of my own insecurities onto him.
Ever since graduation though, we've had this "thing" looming over our heads... The simple fact of life that we both need to grow up and get lives of our own. I'm honestly worried it's going to end up tearing us apart...
We're both college graduates now. Unemployed. Living with our parents...
As for me, I'm miserable. I hate it here. I hate my parents, I hate being stuck in this room, I hate this city, I hate that all of my friends are gone, and I just want to be somewhere else. I've tried applying to multiple rigging jobs and nothing has been working out. The stress is making me more into a zombie each and every day. By the end of the year I'm going to start applying to stores in the city to gather funds to probably move elsewhere.
Kevin doesn't mind living at home. Although his nephew is seriously getting on his nerves at times, that's just a temporary inconvenience to him. His parents don't seem to put any pressure on him to leave, and he seems reluctant to go. He doesn't act eager at all to get out there and start a life with me.
I think that's part of what hurts me the most...
I'd like to marry Kevin. In an ideal world, I could get a job, save up enough money to get an apartment of my own... as would he. We'd spend a short time living on our own, and eventually end up marrying and living together. We'd spend the rest of our lives keeping each other company and exploring the world together. Just being ourselves.
I'm kind of terrified of how Kevin acts when the idea of being self sufficient comes up in conversation. Nothing he does or says ever indicates that he feels the need or motivation to live his own life and get out into the world. It's just easier for him to stay sheltered.
It just terrifies me.
I don't want to be with someone like that...
I don't want to be with someone who never wants to step out of their safe zone for the sake of living their life. God knows I'm often a hermit myself, but I still long to be adventurous once in a while.
And that makes me feel pathetic. Why am I with someone when I'm just expecting him to change who he is? Am I not supposed to find someone who already fits me and my personality in a complimentary way? Why should he have to change for me to be happy with him?
I guess I justify it to myself by saying that he'll have to change sooner or later. That he can't live with his parents forever. That this period of his life HAS to end eventually, and when that time comes, we can finally move on. And while trying to change him, I'm trying to support him. I don't want to just tell him "change this, or else." I want to be encouraging... to give him a shove in the right direction so that he'll be a better person for it. But it's like, every time I give him a shove, all he does is balk and refuse to change direction.
What am I supposed to do with that?
I've almost broken up with him several times over the course of our relationship... Lately I've been thinking about it fairly frequently. Wondering if this is really what I want out of my relationship, and if I'm serious about it.
Deep down, I think that's why Kevin and I have waited so long... Why we've been together for over seven years and still haven't had sex. Because I'm afraid.... I don't want to give it up to someone I don't feel sure about, and I don't feel sure about him. I want to feel sure about him.
I want a relationship like the movies. Someone who sweeps me off my feet. Who loves me for everything I am, good or bad. Someone who understands me.
But who am I kidding, right? This is coming from the girl who has never really been loved by anyone. No one's ever wanted me...
Everyone I ever fell head over heels for has dumped me and left me to rot. No one I'd like would ever want me. Even if Kevin doesn't always give me 100%, I feel like I should be grateful for getting that much.
Why do I have to be so miserable.
Why do I have to feel so alone.
Is this what relationships are supposed to be?
Is this what I want my relationship to be?
I'm afraid of losing him... after this long.
Is it worth losing him, just to spend the rest of my life alone...?
If I had the option of being with someone else, would I?
Would I leave him for Sansha, if she were here and available...?
Right now...
I just... don't know.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to live my life.
I lost my instruction manual.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
And no one is here to guide me.