- Pursue options for the future; don't stay stuck on a "dot", expand your possibilities
- Programming certification courses?
- Build credit; apply for a credit card
- There are free credit counselor bureaus I can contact to discuss my credit with
- My lack of passion for 3D art since I have been home is likely not a lack of passion for 3D art, but a lack of passion for everything due to the stress of being here; depression can do that to you
- Beliefs vs. Fact:
We made a list of many of my mom's beliefs that she has tried to push on me over the years, and talked about how she makes the assumption that her beliefs are true facts when they are not. Things that she assumes about me that are not true.
How my mom is wrong about me - Her beliefs:
- She tells me my relationship is never going to work because it is my first one
- Appearances are everything
- I am not "girly" enough
- I don't try at all or hard enough on most things
- She has no faith in me to solve my own problems
- I am treated as if I am the same person as Cara and will make the same mistakes
- My opinions are invalid because I have less life experience than her
- She belittles whatever work I do on the computer and the role it has in my life
- She cannot accept me as being anything other than Christian
- Belief system:
As we grow up, we form a collection of beliefs about different things. As a baby, if our parents respond and care for us when we cry, we learn that we can trust our parents to care for us. We form beliefs, expectations, and assumptions about what we think life is and how things happen. We form beliefs about who we can trust, what family means to us, what defines love, what a marriage is supposed to be, who we are as a person, what role education plays in our lives, what religion we have faith in, what to expect from our health, how to manage money, what to expect or make of the future, and more.
When we form these beliefs, and decided that that is how things are supposed to be, we expect it to continue being that way in the future. These beliefs can seem factual or set in stone, though they are not. When something happens that shatters or discounts those fundamental beliefs, suddenly everything starts falling apart. One shattered belief affects another, and soon the foundation of everything you believed is left in pieces. This leads to frustrations and disappointment, which leads to feelings of being lost, sadness, anger, and betrayal, which lead to anxiety and depression.
All change equals loss in some form or another. To change means that you are losing what you had before.
What I believe:
Trust -
I can trust Kevin. I can trust myself. I can trust that my family would do their best to support me in an urgent situation, but I cannot trust them to understand me or what I do. I believe many people in general can be trusted.
Family -
My family is who I can depend on. Kevin is my family.
Blood relation is unimportant. My blood family has been nothing but drama and petty feuds for years.
I was raised being taught that relatives should stick together, that they will always be there. Then we were ripped apart and have never been the same. I am taught that being related means an obligation to spend time with them, and I disagree. I spend time with whoever I want to spend time with, and in my own way.
Self -
I am accomplished. I got good grades in school, and teachers loved me. I completed college within four carefully planned years and earned my degree in a field I love. While in college, I discovered much about myself that I never knew existed before. At home my spirit was repressed; in college I learned how I could shine. I was dependable. People loved working with me. I managed my work and my project team well. I met and exceeded expectations. I made friends and socialized outside of school. I could take care of myself. I am responsible and intelligent. I am dedicated. I have a lot of love to give. I'm a nerd. I like to help people. I love animals. I am responsible, and a decent human being. I am accepting of other people and trustworthy. I believe that I shouldn't have to change myself to make other people happy.
I also am prone to fall into my mother's web of darkness. I know that I do not want to be like her. I do not want to be selfish or judgmental. I have insecurities about how I look.
Education -
I loved my time at college, but I believe my education has failed me. I didn't learn everything I needed to know, and I feel like I was given false hopes. Everyone convinced me I could get a job doing what I wanted to do, and it hasn't happened.
Love -
Love is being honest and open with someone. Wanting to share your life and yourself with them. Love requires trust and communication.
Marriage -
I like to think that I will only ever be married once. That I will marry the person I love and be with them the rest of my life. I am not going into it lightly, and believe that it is okay to live together first before being married. Marriage is not easy, and it is not all sunshine and roses. Marriage takes work to keep it together. Some marriages work out, some don't... not all are doomed to the same fate, but deep down I know that I hope I will never have to go through a divorce.
Religion -
I am an atheist. I can appreciate some things I learned from my time as a Christian, but overall I believe religion to do more harm than good. I would rather believe in being a good person and loving your fellow human beings without all the supernatural hooplah attached to it.
Health -
I got the bad health genes in my family. I believe I am likely doomed to struggle with mental and physically illnesses more so than many other people. It will always be a struggle for me to maintain a healthy weight. I do not believe in using medication to solve all problems, however. I don't like the idea of being on any kind of drugs, even if they are prescriptions.
Money -
I am good at saving money, and it is very important to me to have a "buffer" amount saved in case of emergencies. I do not like to spend extravagantly, but I do think it's important to splurge on something for yourself once in a while if it makes you happy - as long as you go about it reasonably.
Future -
I had a plan for my future. I was going to graduate from college, get a job doing what I loved, marry Kevin, and start my life with him. Preferably somewhere not in Florida. Those plans have been disrupted and I no longer have any idea where I want to go.