My last gerbil died on Wednesday. I hadn't been all that distressed over it when the first one had died, but having both gone has made me really upset. I spent most of the day crying.
After all, the gerbils weren't just little pets to me... They were the first pets that I ever owned completely by myself. They were not "family pets", they were mine. They were a remnant from the time I spent getting to know Christina when I lived at Northgate... We spent hours bonding over gerbils. We raised the gerbil pups together, and were both saddened when many of the pups didn't make it. I loved to watch my gerbils play. It was nice to have little animals in my life while I was at college. I would let them run all over my hands and legs. Pikachu was so aptly named for his crooked tail. Lolita was the sweeter of the two.
Having gerbils may not have been as meaningful as bonding with a cat or dog, but they were special to me. They were a symbol of my independence and responsibility. My mother swore to me that I shouldn't own them... That I would certainly end up with gerbil babies the way Christina did, or that the gerbils would always be escaping or causing a mess. That they would get eaten by my cat. None of that happened, and I made myself proud being able to prove my mom wrong.
My mom had prepared Lolita for burial when she had died, but I took care of Pikachu this time. I stroked his fur a few last times before putting him in a box...
A couple days ago, I fell behind on doing the dishes because I had been busy with other things. Naturally, the sink got rather full, as it tends to do. My parents yelled at me about it Tuesday night, but I told them I would clean it up the next day.
Mom and I found Pikachu dead the next morning. My mother thought it was appropriate to lecture me about cleaning the kitchen as I stood there preparing the box to bury my gerbil in.
After we buried him, I went to my room to cry for a while. I had to leave for therapy shortly after. I didn't get home until 3:30, and the dishes still needed to be cleaned. I needed to make lunch because I hadn't eaten all day, and I said I would take care of the dishes after eating, but mom yelled at me for it anyway. She threatened to start charging me rent to live at home. I finished eating and did a load of dishes, just like I said I would.
There was still another load of dishes left to do though... The next morning, I had hardly woken up and rolled out of bed before mom was yelling and demanding to know why the dishes weren't done yet. Going on and on about how she "shouldn't have to live with a dirty kitchen." She yelled about how she wants to start charging me rent again, and threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't do my "job." I asked her what that would do to solve the problem, and she said "It would make me feel better about cleaning up after everyone's mess." Riiiight. As if she has never tried to do everything she possibly can just to get out of doing chores. Hiring a house maid? Paying people to mow the lawn? Buying a Roomba? Hm?
I haven't been sleeping well... Maybe 4-6 hours a night, but not comfortable sleep. I wake up feeling like crap. I have felt nauseous pretty much constantly for the past three days. I can barely eat or even think about food without feeling like I'll puke. I think it's my nerves causing all this, but I'm not sure...
The past week or two, I have been absolutely terrified because... I fear I may be pregnant. It is not uncommon for my period to be late, but this is the first time it has been late since I started having sex, and it is later than usual... It's now been a week and a half since I was supposed to get my period, and still nothing. For a while I tried to avoid telling Kevin because I didn't want to worry him unnecessarily... We are always so cautious, we have used protection, and nothing has ever seemed to go wrong. The chances that I am pregnant ought to be slim at best, but I still cannot stop myself from freaking out. Eventually, I had to talk to Kevin about my fears, because keeping it hidden was only making my anxiety worse. He has been only a tiny bit nervous about it, but I think he is either more nervous than he lets on, or the reality of the situation hasn't quite hit him at this point.
I took a pregnancy test for the first time in my life. After my first night of barely being able to sleep, I felt like it would reassure me that everything was fine. The tests came three in a box. I messed up the first one, and the second one came out negative. It reassured me for a couple days, but I'm starting to freak out again. What if it was only negative because I tested too early? What if the sickness I've been feeling is an early symptom of pregnancy instead of anxiety? If I still don't have my period after two weeks, I am going to use the third test and try again... This week has felt like one of the longest weeks of my life.
So, after the death of my gerbil, fighting with my mom, and my fears about being pregnant (possibly), feeling sick, and barely sleeping... By this afternoon, I was pretty much a wreck. Kevin has been busy with his classes, but I really needed to see him... I wanted a hug and someone to comfort me than anything at that moment...
Kevin had a couple hours between classes, though he needed to work on an assignment and eat dinner. I said I would hang out with him at his house while he worked... I just wanted to be with him...
I tried to keep my composure... His dad was home, and his mom came home later too. I didn't want them to see me that way, but... as soon as Kevin took me into a hug, I lost it... I was sobbing, and he was holding me... It took me a while before I could speak to say what was wrong with me...
I told him about my mom yelling at me, about how she makes me feel like I'm useless and that she doesn't want me around... I told him I was still upset about my gerbils... I told him I was still scared about my period being late... How I've felt sick and can't sleep... He held me and comforted me... Told me it would be okay.. that my mom was exaggerating and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way.. that he was sorry about my gerbils and that he knew I gave them a long and happy life... that it was my nerves making me sick, and that even if I did get pregnant, I shouldn't worry about it because we could get through it...
He told me everything I needed to hear, and meant it... He was there to hold me when I felt alone and unloved... Without having to say anything to him, he knew to distract his dad from talking to me because he knew I wouldn't want to be seen crying...
I got myself to stop crying and left him alone to do his work... I laid on his bed, trying to calm myself down, and feeling comforted by his room, his presence, and the way his pillows smelled like him... When he finished his work, he laid on the bed with me, and I curled up into his side the way I always do... We laid that way for a while, and I think I even fell asleep for a few minutes... When I woke up and realized that he needed to get up and make dinner for himself, I felt a bit better. Being with him helped me to settle down and feel like maybe everything would be okay, and that I'm not alone. It would have been nicer if I could have spent the rest of the evening with him, but I appreciated it all the same.
Kevin left for class and I went back home for a while. I had my introductory martial arts class tonight, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I had been considering going into martial arts for the past week or two, and I had gotten the courage to make an appointment for a free class to find out more about the program, but I was nervous. I know nothing about martial arts, and have never even considered myself to be someone who would get involved in it, but I thought I would give it a try. I need to meet people, make friends, get exercise, gain confidence, and get out of this house on a regular basis. I was super nervous about going, but I tried to keep repeating to myself Andrea's advice: what's the worst that could happen?
I arrived a little early to the martial arts studio. There was another class finishing up, and I sat in my car and watched through the front window for a while. The studio is a somewhat small space; one big open room, a sitting area, and a desk. The front wall is all glass. As I sat watching, I could feel a part of myself trying to convince me to leave, but I was determined to go through with it.
I went into the studio and waited for the other class to finish. There were two guys there with me tonight for the free class as well. After going over our names, what we expected out of the classes, and other information, we learned to bow and say "hello/goodbye sir/ma'am" as we enter or leave the studio, and then got right into it. We stood in the main room and were first taught our fighting stance: starting with the right foot, take two steps forward, turn 45 degrees, and put your fists up by your chin, elbows in. Don't forget to breathe, and keep your knees bent.
We learned a jab: straight forward punching using the outward arm (from your stance). The cross: a straight punch from the inside arm. The hook: a punch from the side using the outward arm. Groin kick: square toes (point toes forward), lift bent leg, kick groin with TOP of foot (not toes). Head block: grab side of head with hand, elbow toward neck, chin down. Punch with a vertical fist, not horizontal.
We did a few practice runs of these techniques. It went a little fast for me sometimes, but the teachers and helpers working with us were all very nice, understanding, and encouraging. I messed up sometimes, but it was okay. I worked to fix it, and I felt my confidence rising. It felt good to hit things. As Sifu would tell me, "Don't be afraid to get angry with it!"
We did one 30-second run combining all of the techniques, and by the end of it all three of us were already breathing hard. They gave us water, then we all sat down to talk about the programs they offer at the school.
It was more expensive than I would have liked it to be... One of the two guys with me decided not to join. I signed up for a two-nights-per-week course. They were kind enough to knock off $100 from the down payment and we got a free uniform for signing up tonight, which was decent. It is a 6-month program. Belt tests will be $50, and it takes about 3 years to make it up to black. On top of the class cost, I will probably end up getting some hand pads and gloves, as well as maybe an extra shirt or two, which will add on another $75 or so to the cost, but having the equipment would let me train at home if I wanted to.
I think it will be good. I felt pretty good about myself after leaving the studio. Happier and more confident. But I have to say, probably the best part about it was really just getting to interact with some new people. I have felt so trapped... The only people I have spoken to in person for like the past year have only been my family and Kevin and his family, and my therapist. My friends don't visit, and I don't really get to see anyone else. It felt good to meet new people again. I hope that maybe I can make a friend in my classes at the school. We'll see.
I have not told my parents about the martial arts classes yet. Until tonight, I wasn't entirely sure I was going to join the class, and I really didn't want my parents to talk me out of it. My mom always seems to think that she knows better than me and tells me what I ought to be doing instead, but not this time. This has been my decision, and I am going to do it. I don't care what she has to say about it. It would be nice if my parents wanted to help me with the payments, but I am prepared to pay for it all on my own if I have to. Kevin is happy for me, and my therapist thinks it will be good for me, and I do too. That is all that matters.
Now that my adrenaline from fighting has gone down, I'm still not entirely happy. It's almost 5:30 AM and I have not slept. But I have to try to convince myself that I will be okay.
I have found an activity that will enrich my life.
If I am not pregnant, I will be okay.
If I am pregnant, I will be okay.
My gerbils are no longer suffering.
My parents can never forcibly take money from me again.
Even if I got kicked out, I have a place to go.
It will be okay.
I will be okay.
While it can get rough, I can make it through.
It will not be the end of the world.
I will be okay.