Kevin and I... are seriously considering having sex for the first time this week, while my parents are out. It's the first time I've said I'm ready, but now that we've talked about it, I need to be sure.
I wanted to be living with him. I wanted to have more time in case we need to pace ourselves. I wanted to be on birth control pills.
But moving out could take several more months. We may not have another chance like this otherwise. And birth control is so expensive.
After my research tonight, of a few things I am certain.
I don't want to drink before having sex. That was a stupid thing to even consider. I understand the appeal, but I don't want it.
We may not go for a full ride the first time. It's okay to start without finishing off if we need to.
We need to ensure the security of the condom. Check to make sure it doesn't break, squeeze the air out when putting it on, don't let it slip off, buy the right size, and pull the base when coming out. Spermicide may be good.
I need to be on top. I will feel more relaxed and in control.
He can't be afraid of hurting me. I will be okay. I will try not to express my pain.
I need him to be comfortable with me first. I need him to try going down on me one more time. I need to fix the unpleasant memory of last time. And if he's not comfortable with the sight of my nether region, then I'm not comfortable letting him into it.
It's okay if it doesn't go right the first time. It probably won't be great.
I trust him. I love him. He cares about making me feel good, not just himself.
Why do I want to do this? He certainly isn't pressuring me, nor are people telling me what to do. I want to do this because I love him, and I want that intimacy with him. I want to feel him all around me. Just him and me, when nothing else matters. The things we currently do may satisfy my desires, but not as much my longing to be as close to him as possible. Where I feel safe.
Do I think I would regret this, if we later broke up? ...I don't think so. As gut-wrenching as I know it would be, I think it is for the better in the long run. Perhaps if I forget, I can look back on this journal to remind myself why I would make such a decision. The nervousness is eating me up. Simply from thinking about it, I shiver with fear. I'm terrified of what will happen. I really do not ever want to go through this again.
Kevin has already taken many "firsts" from me. I am less innocent than I was when he met me. Yet... I don't feel like my identity has been spoiled in any way. Yes, I am sexually involved, outside of marriage. Does that make me a terrible person? No. I have not done anything without being fully informed of the consequences. I have not been pressured into doing anything that I was not mentally prepared for. Kevin has been the sweetest, gentlest, and most patient guy I could ever know. I'm not sleeping around, and we've already waited seven and a half years. Most people don't even stay married that long, let alone put up with a relationship without sex for that long. I try to make him happy, and I know that in his own ways, he tries his best to keep me happy too.
This isn't happening on a whim. I cannot pretend that I don't understand the situation I'm considering. I may not entirely know what will happen or what to expect, but I've learned enough to consider myself well informed. And I will cross the bridge if or when I come to it.
I would like to ask Kevin why he wants to have sex. He probably won't give me a straight answer, but I'd like to know what he says anyway.
We will see...