I intended to. I wanted to. I tried. But it didn't work out...
My parents were away for four days, and Kevin was staying with me while they were gone. Day 2 was the day I was expecting it to happen... Friday, the 24th. Kevin and I talked about it beforehand, asking if it was "the night" for it. It seemed perfect...
I ended up in tears. I was so scared that just thinking about it happening that night made me starting crying and shaking. We stayed awake for a while as I talked to him about my fears and tried to work out why I was so terrified of something that I thought I wanted. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm so screwed up...
We decided to wait on it. To let me think about it overnight and make a decision the next day. Saturday came and I was feeling a bit better about it... to the point that I could think about it without crying, at the very least. It was the perfect moment. Kevin and I took a shower. We felt clean, soft, warm, comfortable... We undressed, and it was wonderful. To feel him all around me... He put on a condom, and we prepared to go for it. I was on top of him, and he was on top of me. I could feel him pushing at my opening.
But I froze up... My entire body was tense, and I started shaking all over from my nervousness. As he pressed against me, I could feel the pressure. I knew that, as it was, it was going to hurt... and I was afraid. I couldn't manage to push the fear from my mind. I tried to think of ways to relax myself, and nothing was working.
Again, we decided to stop. That if I was feeling this nervous, I obviously wasn't as ready as I thought I was. That it could wait.
Sunday night I wanted to try again. Again we undressed. Again, I fell in love with feeling him all over me. I knew that I was safe with him. My nerves weren't quite as bad as they were the night before, and I concentrated harder on keeping my body relaxed. I had him start by using his fingers, to test how tense or relaxed I was. It started off okay. I tried and tried to relax further, to open myself up to more... But when I started to think about it too much, I'd tense up again.
I backed out... again. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid. Too tense. Too nervous.
And that was it... That was all the time we had...
I don't know if I'm ever going to get better, but I'm going to try. I'm going to work on it. I know that I want this. Kevin has been extremely understanding and caring in response to my feelings about this. I appreciate it so much... But even if he isn't disappointed with how things turned out, I have to say that I'm disappointed with myself...
It was perfect... And I ruined it...