I haven't been for a while now. I'm not feeling okay. I'm not doing okay. I don't know if I will be okay.
Sometimes I avoid talking to people just because I hate being asked how I'm doing. I hate mumbling a vague answer that is nowhere near correct in its description. It's exhausting pretending to be something I'm not. To act like I know what I'm doing and that I'm happy with my life. I don't. I don't have a clue.
When I'm asked how I'm doing, sometimes I just want to scream about how not okay I am. How completely useless and hopeless I feel. How disappointed I am with myself. But instead, what always comes out is a pathetic smile and something along the lines of "I'm doing all right. You know, the usual..."
I wish I could be okay again. Some small part of me still thinks I will be. I suppose I should be thankful for that. It's all that keeps me going sometimes.
I'll live through it, I always do... And as much as I hate it, I will continue to pretend I'm okay, because whining about my pathetic problems isn't going to solve anything. I guess I just needed to say this for once.