Tonight I have been thinking about Alexis, in particular. She is a husky/cattle dog mix.
Alexis and I don't always get along together, so to speak. She is the only one of my characters that I have difficulties with when it comes to "feeling" her role. It's not that I find anything wrong with her design or personality... I don't think I'd ever want change her. But when I draw or write about my characters, I always put myself in the mindset of what they represent - be it courage, shyness, violence, playfulness, or whatever. That is what I struggle with when I draw or write about Alexis.
I've wondered for a while now why I feel so disjointed when it comes to Alexis, but I've developed a theory.
Alexis is, essentially, everything I hate being. The things I don't want to be defined as. Paranoid, fearful, withdrawn, depressed, antisocial, confused, stressed, insecure, and damaged... among other things. Alexis, to me, is the person I am when I'm around my parents. Anyone who has been reading my journal should see what that does to me. Being Alexis is not a happy person to be.
And I think I don't enjoy drawing and writing about her as much because I don't like to feel that way. I don't like that part of myself. I am all of those things she is, and I'm not really okay with that.
So you might wonder, why do I bother with her then?
Well, partly because that's exactly the purpose she is supposed to serve. Whether I like it or not, those things are a part of my personality. No matter how much I hate it, I want to be able to accept that someday. I want to be able to recognize those pieces of myself so that eventually I can work to overcome them.
And that's what Alexis is for me. The more I work with her, and the more I develop her story and character, the more I fall in love with her as a person. I get closer to loving who I am. Good and bad... strengths and flaws. Nothing is impossible to love, once you can come to understand it. It's easy to love my other characters, because I see all the good parts of myself in them. With Alexis, it will take time. But I hope that I will learn to accept her more.
I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. It's like 4:30 AM and I'm half asleep. I just felt like musing about this, since it's been on my mind. Off to bed now~