He talked about how living homeless wasn't that bad. That he knew he could manage. I responded with something that.. I dunno.. I've always known, but I feel like I've never quite put into words in this way before.
I can't fathom being homeless. I have absolutely no idea what I would do with myself if I suddenly lost everything I had. I don't feel like I know enough to survive on my own. I don't know a bunch of people who I could trust to be there for me. I don't have a lot of friends.
I was raised to be incredibly sheltered. To be afraid of everything that has even the slightest chance of causing me harm. Not to just be wary of it, but afraid.
My therapist has told me that I should think about "What's the worst that could happen?", and pretty much everything is reversible except babies and death. But death is not what I fear the most. I think about things that could be worse than death. Injuries that don't heal, or emotional scarring that would change everything about me, losing someone important to me. There are some things that cannot be erased if they happened.
I am terrified. Unprepared. I don't know how to handle it. I feel at a disadvantage as a woman... That I am more likely to be victimized, to have a harder time with just about everything. I worry that I will fail even if I put every ounce of effort into getting where I want to go... and then what else could I do?
I am like the students in school who were pegged as troublesome kids in high school drama TV shows. They believed they would fail, so they didn't even try. The dropouts; the kids who got held back. I don't believe I can succeed. Nobody else seems to believe in me. The people who have believed in me seem to be wrong. I believed all of my professors when they said I would succeed... but they were wrong. I didn't succeed. I haven't succeeded. I feel like I've failed already. Every time I get rejected from a job application, it just seems to confirm that belief.
I am so worried about spending what little money I have that I'm afraid to take chances with things that could benefit me in the long run. I am still unhappy about losing the money for martial arts, even though I still think it will be good for me. I am unhappy with the idea of paying for more schooling. I missed the chance to go to grad school with my friends because I was so afraid of losing my money. I'm afraid to take loans because I don't understand how they work. I am afraid that in the end, not only will I still not have a job, but I'll have all the loan debt on top of it.
I'm afraid.
I'm so afraid.
Of everything.
Of life.
I don't feel like everything will be okay no matter what.
I just don't know what to do...
I'm not happy where I am, but I have no idea how to move on.