The exhaustion. Feeling tired all the time. Longing to just fall into bed and never get up. Sleeping late, sleeping all day. Too tired to do anything.
The headaches. How I lived every day feeling like someone was drilling into my skull. After I left for college and my mood improved, one of the things I loved the most was not having to live with that pain anymore. It's returned, unfortunately, but it's not as frequent as it used to be.
My old massager had broken apart quite a while ago, and I decided I really wanted a new one. Not only for myself, but to use while experimenting with Kevin. Me being the socially awkward person I am, I was sure I wanted to order online. That brings on a whole new set of problems of course... I am still living with my parents, and they cannot find out. It needed to be a discreet transaction, something I can easily hide, and nothing too noisy. In addition, I wanted something that preferably would not take batteries, as it had been a major pain to replace them in the old massager.
So I began my search. And oh my god - so many options. And they are so expensive. It can be incredibly overwhelming. I had no idea what I would want; I barely even knew what kind of sensations I liked. And there were so many.
Inside or outside use? One prong, two prongs, three? Silicon, jelly, plastic, velvet? Waterproof or not? Rechargeable, AAA batteries, AA batteries, flat watch batteries? Small or big? Subtle or strong vibrations? Soft or hard? How are these things even supposed to be used? Which companies can be trusted to be discreet?
I ended up spending about three days just researching it all. Amazon was the first place I had looked, but I wondered if I should perhaps look through a specifically-adult site. I poked around a few. "Good Vibrations" seemed to have a good reputation, but I ended up looking around Adam & Eve because it's a widely-known adult site, and I figured maybe they'd know what they're doing since they're so popular. They also had some really good deals.
Eventually I found a few I was interested in trying out. It was not cheap, however... It turned out that there was basically no way for me to spend less than $30 no matter what I bought. Many of the toys were over $100, even. I didn't have that much, but I knew this was something that I'd at least be putting to use. After all, the last massager only broke out of the heavy use it received.
I was about three seconds away from ordering a couple things from A&E, when a wave of nerves hit me. Was this a good idea? Should I even be buying anything at all? Was I sure that my parents could not find out about this? There was a suspicious lack of advertisements on the A&E site about discreet shipping. I had checked, and they said they ship in plain boxes, but I was not convinced. And thank god I trusted my gut. After a quick Google search, I found out that while A&E does ship the product discreetly, they will not hesitate to sent you catalogs and special offers in the mail in a very NOT discreet way.
Oh god - all the relief! I could hardly believe I almost made that mistake.
It was at that point that I went back to Amazon. It was clear to me that Amazon was the only place I could feel quite sure about ordering from - after all, anything you buy from them always comes in the same kind of boxes. Amazon is not an adult store and therefore has no motivation to spam adult advertisements. I just had to be careful not to order from a third party who was selling through Amazon either. I poked around Google and nobody had a bad thing to say about them when it came to adult materials, so I went for it.
I spent a few minutes browsing the Amazon catalog, looking for things I was interested that resembled the ones I had liked in the A&E catalog. I came across one, but it was out of my price range. Luckily, in the product reviews for it, someone named a similar version of the product that was cheaper. I looked it up, and I liked it a lot. The Lelo Nea. A vibrator for outside use; it looked cute and elegant and had great reviews. Tons of modes and settings. Not waterproof unfortunately, but it was rechargeable. A little out of my price range at $50, but even that was half its retail cost. I was sure this was the one, so I went for it. I even sprang for rush shipping so that I would get it the next day when Kevin and I would be alone.
It arrived safe and sound, no hassle, no signature required. And it's a fantastic device. Not only is the toy itself beautiful - a shiny black plastic with an elegant pink flower print along its back - but even the boxing was artistic. It felt like the Apple equivalent of sex toys. Simple, elegant boxing. It came with a small carrying bag, the charger, instructions, a 1-year warranty, and a small packet of lube. And the different vibration modes are great, ranging from soft to strong to constant to pulsing. The only small disappointment was that I thought the toy would be bigger (and thus cover more area), but it's not entirely a drawback. Being so tiny, it worked extremely well during sex. It was easy to place between us as I rode him. Mmm...
All in all, I think it was worth it, and I was happy with Amazon. I will not hesitate to buy from them again in the future if need be. I love my toy. <3
Sex with him is... so fantastic. I love the closeness and intimacy of sharing that with him, the way he looks at me, and the sounds he makes. Nothing else compares to how amazing it is. But at the same time... we're still working on it. It's been very difficult for me to cum ever since we started, and I don't really know why. I don't know if maybe my head just isn't in the right place, or maybe we need to move differently. I'm sure we will become more effective as time goes on, but for now I'm just enjoying it for what it is, whether I end up cumming or not. I still love it, and it still satisfies me.
The toy I bought helps though. Today was the first time I was able to cum while on him. Though it ended up being a bit awkward, as he was trying to hold himself back at the same time I was trying to get my release... We ended up cumming at the same time, but I was trying to let him pull out beforehand, and the whole thing just kind of ended up being awkward. Again - we'll inevitably work better together with practice.
Aside from the sex, it was just wonderful being with him... I feel so close to him, especially since we started having sex. In some ways it bothers me... I feel super clingy, and I'm afraid I'm going to annoy him because of it, but I can't help myself... This is a very important time for me to be with him, physically, and I need that... It hurts more than ever to see him leave to go home. Oh, how I wish his home could be with me...
He and I had a talk this weekend... something I've been keeping to myself for a long time... The fear that, if given the chance, he would leave me for a better woman... He is convinced that he'd never even get the chance, but I feel like "never" is a pretty strong word. You never know...
He asked if he did something to make me worried about it, and I said no. That it was my insecurities about myself and my father and everything... That he didn't do anything wrong. I meant it, and I know that's true, but I don't know... I wish Kevin would share more of his feelings with me, and tell me how he really feels. So much of the time, I'm more or less left to just guess...
On the other hand... I suppose one thing I realized this weekend is that his actions betray his feelings far more than his words do. The way he looks at me, laughs with me, and plays with me are the actions reserved for me - his love. I'd like to try to remind myself to think of those things when I start to feel upset about how he hides his feelings...
I cried when I took him home, after the weekend was over... I felt ashamed of it. I was crying almost as badly as I used to when leaving him to go back to Orlando during school, where we would be apart for a month or more at a time. But we live in the same city again, and I see him at least once a month, yet I'm still broken up about being away from him. I wish I didn't get so emotional over it...
He's going to be busy the next two weeks though... Busy at the lab. I hate the days he spends at the lab because it always seems to take a priority over me, but I know I'm not being fair to him. I will do my best to respect his space, even if it means missing our sex nights for the next two weeks... I will get by...
I know my mind. I know myself. I know what I'm like when I'm here and when I'm out on my own and free. I know what I can be, and that I can be strong and defeat this if I just had a chance.
If I go on medication, I want it to be my choice. I want it to be because I want the help coping with life. I want it to be something that I will not grow to dread or regret. It is my choice, and I will make it if I want to. I'm not ready to make that choice yet, and people will have to respect that. It's my body, my mind, and my life. I should be the one in control of it - not my mother, my doctor, my therapist, or my boyfriend. Me. It's my right.