After my session last Friday, I had decided to write my parents a letter, telling them many of the things I've wished I could tell them over the years. I haven't given them the letter yet, and wasn't sure if I wanted to.
When I got to therapy, I told her about writing the letter, and she asked me if I wanted to read it. I said sure, and pulled it up on my phone, but as soon as I saw the words I'd written, I was too overwhelmed with emotions to read it. I couldn't get the words out of my mouth, and despite not having been upset when I arrived earlier, I was suddenly crying.
She asked if I wanted her to read it out loud, and I said yes. She took my phone from me and started to read. It's a long letter, over three pages, and it took her a while to get through it. As she read my own words to me, I couldn't stop the tears from continuing to stream down my face. As she read the letter, she kept nodding approvingly and saying supportive stuff like "You tell them!"
As she neared the end of the letter, where I started listing my skills and good qualities, she smiled and said happily, "Therapy has been a success." And after a few more lines, I heard her voice start to crack. For the first time since I've been seeing her, she started to get emotional. She apologized for getting emotional, and told me it was because she could see how my parents just don't know how to appreciate me for who I am. She told me how well I articulated my thoughts, and how she was proud of me for the thought and effort I've put into therapy. She could tell that I've given serious thought into everything she's told me over the past several months. She thought this letter I wrote was incredibly beneficial to me, whether or not I end up giving it to my parents. And although I've written similar thoughts in my personal journal before, I agree. I've never really written anything as if I would really give it to my parents, and I think that was important.
We talked about what might happen if I give the letter to my parents. What the different outcomes might be. They could react positively, becoming more understanding and putting more effort into helping me in the future. They might say that they hear me, but don't actually change their behavior. They might apologize. They might ignore my letter completely. They might disregard it as an excuse or lie or being stupid. They might completely disagree and try to tell me who I am according to their view.
If I give them the letter, I need to be prepared for those possible outcomes. As things are, I'm planning to give them the letter soon. A negative outcome would hurt, for sure, but I feel like I have to try. I'm sure I'll get through it either way.
It was really encouraging to hear her say all these things to me, and I thanked her for helping me. She gave me a hug. She told me that she couldn't even do what she does if she didn't believe that most people truly WANT to be better. That people wouldn't be going to therapy if they didn't want to be better. That they were willing to try, and I was one of those people.
It meant a lot to me, and I hope I never forget this session, no matter what happens.