This letter is long overdue. So many times has this been written and rewritten, and I have long debated sending it. But it needs to be said.
I want you to know that I love you. And I care about you. I wish we could be best friends the way we were when we were young.
But you need to realize... You don't know me anymore.
I'm not the same person I was when we were friends before. And neither are you. There is a lot that you don't know about me, and there is a lot I don't know about you.
It started when we were kids. When you grew up before I ever had a chance. You became a teenager, and suddenly it wasn't cool to hang out with your little sister anymore. I wanted, desperately, to spend time with you and talk, but you shut me out. After so many rejections, I eventually gave up trying.
I don't entirely blame you. It's only natural. If I were you, I'd probably have done the same thing. But I'm telling you because I'm not sure you ever recognized it.
That lasted throughout your high school years. You had Allison as a best friend. I had Nick. But the most drastic change came afterward.
My life fell apart when I was 13. You were 18, and leaving for college. Even during the times you lived at home, you were working on homework too much to see what was going on. And after that, you moved away for good. The only time you saw me was on holidays - if that.
You missed the years where I was floundering in school.
You missed the years where mom would tease me endlessly.
You missed the years where I was punished for the way you acted when you were in high school.
You missed the years when I developed depression, and was at the point of being suicidal more than once.
You missed the years when I figured out that this Christianity stuff is all a bunch of bullshit.
You missed the years when I struggled with my sexuality.
You missed the years when mom would tell me about how I will never succeed in life if I'm not thin and pretty.
You missed the years when our parents gave more love, attention, and approval to our dogs than they ever did to me.
You missed the years when I was torn away from my cat and my home in Aurora, when I could have used a best friend more than ever, but no one was there.
You missed the years where I've struggled to deal with the paranoia and anxiety I feel from confronting the trespasser in our house.
You've been there for important things. Graduation, holidays... The occasional phone call or visit. But those aren't the things that make a friend.
A friend is there for you through all of the ups and downs. A friend is able to open up and share with the other person what they've been through, how they think, and what they feel. A friend knows what's important to you, what makes you happy, and what brings you down.
And maybe, after all of those missed years, you can understand why I was so confused when you decided that you wanted to be friends with me again. And I apologize if I distrusted your intentions, but to be honest, you haven't given me much reason not to.
And what put the nail in the coffin... was that your college experience was different from mine. You left college feeling closer to our parents than ever. I left college feeling more distant to our parents than ever. And that's a key difference...
Because when we were younger... even if we didn't always agree or get along... It was always Us vs. Mom and Dad. The notes we would pass to each other under our bedroom door would rant about our dislike for our parents. About how angry mom would get.
And when things changed... you switched sides, so to speak. More than once, I would start to open up to you, only for you to go and tell mom about what I said to you. There is no longer any kind of understanding between us that what we talk about remains between us. You don't understand why it's so important to me that the information remain between us. And you wouldn't, because you haven't been around enough to know why I distrust mom and dad the way I do. You've already missed the number of times I've tried talking to them about how I feel, and the number of times they've disregarded it. I am done talking to them, and that is my decision - not yours. By talking to you, I am not inviting you to solve my problems with our parents. I'm just asking you to listen. As a friend.
I wish we could be friends again. I'd like to be. But I don't know you anymore, I don't trust you anymore, and you don't know me anymore. If it's what you really want, I would try to be friends with you again. You just need to be aware of what I've said here.
I love you. More than you know.
Hannah