The friends I've started to form bonds with always leave me behind.
Sometimes I try to be closer to people. Sometimes I know I pull away on purpose.
I sometimes avoid talking to friends because I'm ashamed of what I say.
The inevitable, "Hey, how are you?"
There are things I could say, I guess.
"Continuing to spiral into depression."
"I had another fight with my parents this week."
"No one is hiring me, and I feel stuck in a life I don't want."
"I sit here doing nothing all day, talking to no one, because I have no one here."
"Wishing we could hang out."
"Nothing exciting ever happens here."
But no one ever wants to hear that. Nobody can fix it. Saying such things does not make me a fun or interesting person. It makes me a drag.
So I say, "I'm okay," even though I'm not, and leave it at that. And after saying it several hundred times in a row, it wears me out. I get tired of pretending. What's the point?
I am not someone I'd want to be friends with. I guess I can't blame the others.