What on earth possesses me to crave her so? Why do I continue to torture myself?
Tonight I bared my feelings about her to a dangerous extent. I have been trying to keep my distance, after the hurt she has caused me. I don't know why I do this. I have never stopped loving her, but I know it is extremely unlikely I could ever be with her. So I set myself up into this position of being the loving friend. A friend, and nothing more.
I think my brain is at fault. I was thinking about her a lot today. People kept calling me "Zephy" during a Livestream session today. I dislike people calling me Zephy - except her. She was the first to ever use that nickname for me, and she was so incredibly cute when she declared it.
She was happy at the time, bouncy even, and she was saying my name in the midst of conversation. She asked if she could always call me Zephy, and of course I said yes. It was her name for me.
So... it was after thinking about this all day, I decided to IM her. I usually refrain from taking the initiative to IM her lately, as she's often busy and I try not to push my luck with her. But today I wanted to, so I did. For once, she was very involved in the conversation and quick to respond. It was that simple effort that caused things to escalate, I suppose... I never would have brought it up if she had seemed disinterested.
We were discussing therapy, both her and my thoughts on the matter. She started telling me how low she's been feeling, and I couldn't help it, not really... I reached out to her. I told her she could talk to me... but that was nothing I haven't said before.
But I went on to talk about how we first met... How we bonded over our struggles with depression and life. How she had no reason to trust me with such thoughts before, but for some reason she did. How I would never give back any of those conversations, because without the sad times I would never have the happy times I had with her. How I want to know both the light and darkness in her.
"I would love nothing more than to know you, the real you, all of you."
Why do I do this?
I don't know...
I miss her.
I miss feeling her love.
I guess I would put myself through any amount of torture to have that back...
I guess.