I'm delusional, probably. I don't know why I ever thought Sansha might care about me the same way I care about her.
I was going through my old texts on my phone to delete them today. I read several from years ago, back when Sansha and I were close... I'd forgotten how affectionate we were to each other. The way she called me "Zephy" all the time, the way we snuggled, her little "nyuuu" sounds, how much we spoke to each other each day, how we told each other "I missed you" when we'd go without speaking, and most importantly... how we said "I love you."
I know that when we said it, we'd agreed that we meant it as a friend loves another friend. But looking back on it...
I feel so stupid. I don't think she even remembers that stuff, or how she used to feel about me, or how close we were.
She was talking about Kali tonight, and she said to me...
"She's still one of my very closest friends...
The only reason I would even consider [being friends with her after breaking up] is because we were such close friends to begin with...
I've never developed a connection as strong as the one I had or I suppose still have with her, that's what hurts me the most.. It'd be one thing if we were casual friends before dating but the fact that we've basically tended to each other's emotional and romantic needs almost entirely for the past two years doesn't help matters.."
"Never."
But who am I kidding. I have to be really stupid to think that the connection I had with Sansha over three years ago, when she was unsure about it no less, could compare to a real relationship that she's been fully aware of and actively pursuing for the past year. Who am I fucking kidding?
I just don't want to talk to her right now. My head is so fucked up. I can't make up my mind about anything. One day I OMGlove her, the next day I'm bitter and resentful, the next day I'm complacent and just want to be friends.
FUCK.
What is wrong with me.