Sometimes I seriously have to wonder what the fuck is wrong with you.
My parents are leaving for four days. We'll be able to sleep together again for the first time since I moved back here, and we've even been talking about having sex. Yet when I ask you if you want to stay with me throughout the four days (when we both know damn well you're not doing anything else important), you say "not the WHOLE time" and give me nothing but BULLSHIT excuses for why you can't. "I don't know..." "Well... I have to fix the table tomorrow." "Uh... well I don't want to hog the car the whole time I'm with you."
THAT. IS NOT. A NORMAL RESPONSE.
Seriously. Do you realize how selfish you can be sometimes? How you can't be bothered to lift a damn finger the moment I ever ask you to do something outside of your comfort zone? No matter how badly I need you?
Don't you think that says something about how you feel about me? About how important I am to you?
I'm asking you to have a romantic weekend with me. And you don't want to take advantage of it because you're too nervous to ask your parents to stay with me.
YOU'RE 23 FUCKING YEARS OLD. GROW SOME BALLS. YOU DON'T NEED YOUR MOTHER'S PERMISSION TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
God...
I get it, okay? I know you. I know you get nervous. It makes you uncomfortable. But don't you think that you need to be able to recognize times when it's far more important to man up and get over it? Get some fucking perspective.
Do you know some of the things I remember from high school? My parents were being assholes to me. I was crying all the time, and there were several nights where I was on the verge of being suicidal. On one particularly bad night, I was on the floor of my room, bawling. I was using a roll of toilet paper to sop up my tears. I felt completely worthless and disinterested in life. But I was talking to you online. I asked you if you would drive over and pick me up. Take me away from this hell. I just wanted to get away from here before I did something stupid, and you had your driver's license by then.
Your response?
"I can't do that... My parents would ask why I'm out so late."
It's.
Not.
Normal.
Relationships are supposed to be about being selfless. Doing everything you can to support, love, and make one another happy. They should be selfless for each other. I wanted that for you. I would do whatever I need to do to make you happy.
And I was that way for a while. I lived for you. I lived to make you happy. But as the years went by, I realized that I wasn't getting those feelings in return. I got the short end of the deal. I'd give anything for you, but you only cared about you.
That was how I learned that I couldn't be selfless, if I was going to be happy in this relationship. That I needed to be selfish, because if I didn't care about myself, no one would.
There's something wrong with that, don't you think?
I am wrong. I know it. It's not okay to be selfish. You shouldn't have to be. I shouldn't need to beg you to do something nice for me once in a while. Seriously. I am so worn out.
Maybe this isn't working out the way I hoped. Maybe it's worth working on. Maybe it isn't.
I know you care about me. I know you love me. Have you never lived to make someone else happy? Found joy by seeing someone else smile?
It's not about doing your "duty" as a boyfriend. It's not about getting what you want. It's about being the world to each other. Feeling incomplete without your partner. Holding each other up...
I want you to live for me... because I know I live for you...