She asked me when I was going to "blow this pop stand."
I said I couldn't.
She expects me to pick up Kevin and what little savings I have, move across the country, and figure out what to do from there. And yeah, maybe some people can do that, but me...?
We continued to talk about a lot of things surrounding that decision. How my parents owe me money, how Kevin is afraid to do anything, how I can't trust myself to get a job, and how I have a really hard time just doing something without some kind of backup plan.
Cara asked me if I'd ever taken a risk on something. I thought about it.
I can't think of a damn thing I've ever taken a risk on. And I know how much I think about it, how much I wish I had that spirit in me. Just look at Blaise, and everything she represents for me.
Why is it so impossible for me to take a leap without knowing exactly how I'll land? Why can't I just trust myself to work it out?
Maybe because I can't trust myself. Because my self esteem is lower than dirt. Even more so when living at home. Because my mother has never thought I deserved trust no matter how super responsible I've been. Maybe because my mother's made me so freaking paranoid about everything going wrong that there's no chance in my mind that anything can ever go right.
...How do I deal with that?...