I was sleeping over at his house, and we started getting into it in the morning. I was on top of him, but I wanted to try from behind... I turned around and rode him, but after a minute he slipped out... and tore something. I felt some kind of pain where he slipped against me, but didn't think it was a big deal until I heard Kevin saying "There's blood..."
I was confused, but we stopped, and I tried to see what was happening. I heard Kevin saying there was more blood.. I saw it dripping onto him... I remember trying to apologize for bleeding on him. I tried to get off of him without dripping everywhere, but I couldn't tell how bad it was. There was so much blood... on Kevin, dripping on his bed, dripping down my legs... I didn't know how to make it stop...
I ran into the bathroom and got on the toilet to try to keep from making more of a mess, but it was all over my legs... As I sat there bleeding, trying to figure out what to do, I started feeling sick... I felt like I was going to throw up... I used some toilet paper to hold off the bleeding and got up, then everything started going fuzzy...
The next few minutes aren't much more than a blur for me. My head hurt, everything looked blurry, and my ears were ringing loudly... I vaguely remember falling to the floor... Kevin was asking me if I was okay... I think I said I wasn't, but I'm not sure. I don't remember getting up, but after falling down I was at the bathroom sink, running water to splash on my face. Kevin was soon in the bathroom with me, though I don't remember him entering, and the door had been locked. He was next to me, soothing me... asking if I was okay... I threw up in the sink, and he held my hair back and I rinsed my mouth out and splashed water on my face... I was ill and my whole body was shaking...
After throwing up, I started to feel a little better. I rested my head against the sink faucet and splashed my face with water a few more times as Kevin continued to stand there with me and talk to me. I still didn't know what to do about the blood all over me. I attempted to clean off the blood from the toilet but Kevin urged me not to worry about it, that he would take care of it. I got in the shower to rinse the blood off myself and to regain more of the consciousness that had temporarily left me. Kevin was worried I would fall again, but though I was still shaky, I could tell I was recovering, at least. The shower made me feel better.
I stayed in the shower for a few minutes trying to calm myself down. I still have no idea what exactly came over me, but Kevin thinks I may have felt scared by the blood and started to pass out. Though I wasn't aware of any fear, it seems perfectly possible... This was what I always feared would happen the first time I had sex. I was not expecting it now, and I didn't know what to do.
After the shower, Kevin gave me a towel and I stood in the bathtub drying off for a while. I couldn't get dressed until the bleeding slowed, and I couldn't easily tell what was going on. Eventually it did, and I got dressed, and we went back to my house.
The wound seems to have healed and opened back up a few times during the day... It will sometimes stop bleeding, only to start up again later... I fear this means I will be unable to have sex for a while... I have no idea how long it will be, and I worry that Kevin and I may both be anxious when we return to it, after this...
But... as terrifying as all of this was, it made me so glad to have Kevin there with me the way he did... The way he tended to me when I didn't have control over myself... A comforting touch and soft voice, the care and worry in his face... To see me when I'm sick... To hold my hair back and clean up my blood... To have my blood spilling over his hands and body... And still be able to look at me with more love than anyone else ever has...
I am sorry for his part in the experience. I can tell that it disturbed him quite a bit. I wish things could have gone differently today.
We had a weekend to ourselves. I wanted the time to be alone with him, intimate with him, to relax and feel better after the week of hell I've had. But instead, this...
I can only hope we can both put it behind us and simply learn to avoid the situation in the future...