I feel strangely happy about it.
I say "strangely" because this isn't exactly how I wanted it to happen... I'm still not sure I can trust him to grow up and be responsible when he always lets me down about that... That's why I wanted him to live on his own for a while before we moved in together. He still kind of acts like a child without any kind of realistic expectations or views sometimes... But I dunno...
After the events of my previous journal entry, I invited Kevin over. I needed someone there with me who didn't think I was completely worthless. He came right over, and it was nice just to be in his arms. He made me feel a bit better. I continued to cry the rest of the night, but not as hard as earlier. I don't think he noticed.
After watching a movie together, we spent a few hours just lying together on my bed in the dark, talking. I was telling him how much I hated it here, and how important it was that I not stay here much longer, for the sake of my mental health. He understood, and I asked him if he'd ever want to get a place together if we both got a job and earned enough money for it. He wondered why I'd changed my mind about living apart for a while, and I'm not really sure... Life is too short, I guess... I don't want to be here anymore, and I don't want to be without him anymore.
So we started to discuss the things we'd need to do to live together. How much money we already have available to use, what things we'd need to be able to pay for, how much we'd have to make at a job in order to bring in enough money... With the cost of living I estimated, I'm not even sure it's at all possible with a regular job, but other people do it somehow... There has to be a way that he and I can afford it. We agreed that we'd have to learn about living on our own together, so that we share the responsibilities and both learn as we go. I think that might have been what makes me feel better about all of this... Knowing that he can think about these things, and would like to learn with me.
But I'm also a bit nervous... Considering we haven't exactly slept together yet... I feel like if we move in together before doing that, there's going to be pressure to do it... And while I do want to, I don't like the idea of having a deadline of when it's going to happen. I don't want it to be like "well we've lived together for a week, aren't we going to have sex yet?" or something... I don't know. ._. Maybe before... once we have the jobs and are preparing to pack up and leave....... No. I don't want to do it here. I'd rather wait until we have a place to ourselves...
What if we end up moving in together and then Kevin never wants to get his act together about proposing to me? I mean, moving in together is about as serious as getting married, and I'm treating it that way... I know we can't get married right now because we can't afford it, but how can I trust that we will when we can? After all the times that I've had to get him to do anything about being romantic toward me, and half the time he never is...
But you know... whenever I think about it... Kevin has matured. He is different than he was seven years ago. He's even been slowly coming out of his shell toward other people. Even Nick told me so after we all got together at Mohican. So you know... even if Kevin isn't quite as outgoing or independent as I might like him to be sometimes, I think he's growing into it slowly... and that's probably better for me anyhow. I'd be exhausted living with someone who's totally outgoing... They wouldn't understand why I like to just sit at home sometimes.
I'd like to be with Kevin... permanently...