when i feel this way... i feel like it's not me.
the emptiness...the pain... it all creeps out of me and becomes an entity which attempts to take control over me.
i dont know why i think this way. i dont LIKE it. i don't think anyone else normally thinks this way, do they?
no, it can't be me.
the me i know--or want to know--is patient. she is forgiving, and is deeply in love with a boy she will never be able to express her gratefulness to.
that is the me i think i am.
but the me i used to be feels betrayed, as if she shouldn't be locked up this way. she asks me why i fight it, and because of it she causes me more pain, fighting to be reunited with me.
the truth is, i'm sorry.
last night... that wasn't the me i am. all those times...
the me i am WILL wait for you for however long she must, as long as you won't let her down in the end. because then it will all be worth it.
the me i am does not leave you feeling that way... nor i that way. it just doesnt work that way in my world. in the world i want to belong to.
but the me that resides in me... the me i can never seem to get rid of... the dark, soulless me that eats away and my innards...
that's the me it was.
the me that made me want to scream and tear and myself and everything around me. the me that made me cry uncontrollably and shake violently.
the me i don't want to be.
and yet, i can't let go of it. because it is me. it is a part of me. i am not whole without both pieces.
all i can hope... is that i can spare you the pain of dealing with the other me.
i hope...