It feels like it's been a while.
Is it pathetic that the only person I can talk to anymore is myself? I don't know. I just am so tired of thinking all of these same thoughts over and over in my head day after day. I keep hoping that maybe if I spill them here, they can finally escape my brain. That's why I write this, isn't it?
I'm not doing okay. Today is one of my "down" days. I've been stuck at home all day, with no one to talk to. I think I've said a total of five sentences all day. You know what that means. All I do is sit here and think about how miserable I am. And thinking is unhealthy. I should know this, but somehow I find it hard to stop.
When I get in these moods, I hate myself. I hate thinking the way I do, and I think it's a bunch of bullshit, but I can't turn it off. It's a fucking miracle that I don't try to carve out my brain with a knife, I swear. I might have to take up cutting again, just for something to do. To stop myself from thinking.
You know what days like this are like?
My brain hurts. All the time. It's not just a headache. 24 hours a day, I feel like my head is in a vice. Depression does that to me. I don't know why, but it does. It's a constant, physical pain. Cutting usually makes that pain go away temporarily. That's why I do it. It's a relief to have that pressure taken away from my head for even a few minutes.
There's also this constant, repetitive stream of thoughts going through my head all day. All of the things that make me feel shitty... the things that I hate or fear about myself... they all play over and over and over in my head, as if trying to convince me that I am worthless. No, I don't hear "voices", but there may as well be a little man whispering my ear all day long.
Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy. Lazy. Fat. Untrustworthy. Ugly. Useless. Not good enough. Failure. Hopeless. Whiny. Unimportant. Worthless. Ungrateful. Unclean. Unacceptable. Dirty. Stupid. Clumsy. Used. Boring. Unloved. Bitchy.
This is my head. This is what I think about all day. That voice… the one that may as well be telling me to go leap off a bridge.
No matter how desperately I want to hope or believe that voice is wrong… It gets to me. There's only so much a person can take. If you are treated a certain way long enough, you will inevitably be convinced that such treatment is deserved. No matter how wrong it is. Your spirit becomes broken. I don't have the will to fight. All I can do is continue to exist.
My parents suck the very life out of me. I am not a person here. I am not myself. I do not matter. I am nothing but a tool. A bundle of their hopes and dreams that will never live up to their expectations. I'm not allowed to have my own hopes and dreams. I am not allowed to have feels and opinions. If I ever think of attempting to have a life different from what they expect of me, they do not want to be a part of it.
That's what makes all of this so difficult. It's not as if I don't try to have my own opinions. It's not like I don't try to share them. But they are never... ever heard. By anyone. I have essentially been talking to myself my entire life. To thin air. To a brick wall. I have never been given the chance to be heard. I am as visible as the wind.
Sure, I probably could blurt it all out. Hey mom, guess what. I'm bisexual. And Kevin and I have slept together in a bed, alone. I have a responsible, sexual relationship with him. I don't believe in your Christianity shit anymore.
Oh, how the shit would hit the fan.
Granted, Cara screwed up, and she hasn't been disowned. But honestly... I think our parents have always held much higher hopes for me. I don't think she had nearly as high standards to meet. So when she let them down, she didn't have as far to fall. The blow was already softened.
But I am not human. I am not allowed to be anything but their version of "perfect." And knowing that I'm not... Knowing exactly what kind of secrets I hold... I'm not sure my mom would even survive it. If she "can't handle" the idea of Kevin just visiting me when he and I were trying to make a long distance relationship work...
God damn. I think she'd just about crumble to dust and blow away in the wind if she knew I wanted to sleep with a girl.
But why is it so important that I spare their feelings? If I do in fact hate them, why do I care if their dreams are crushed?
I don't even know...
Maybe because they're the only family I have left. And as much as I hate the bitter politics and twisted emotions involved with some family members, I know that good family members are irreplaceable. I felt that with Jeremy, Nick, and Aunt Debbie. Even Cara. I just... I guess I've never been able to stop wishing that my parents would be different. That maybe, someday, if I prove myself to be good enough, they will finally be the parents I wish they would be.
It's an empty wish. I know that they will never change. I just can't get my head wrapped around that fact. My fear of losing what little family I have left overshadows it. I am so afraid... I don't want to be alone. Because I don't know how to be alone. They raised me this way.
And thus the vicious cycle continues.
They did this to me. Only they can stop it. They won't.
...I am so damaged...