seventeen and a half years and she's never said it before. the smile forced myself upon me, but it wasn't the genuinely happy smile that results from being loved that i may have expected. it was... sadistic. cruel, maybe. i don't know what feeling that was that washed over me, but it was very far from love.
maybe it was because i knew she shouldve spoken those words to me long before now if she really meant them.
maybe i immediately dismissed them as lies based on what she's done to me these past few years and found myself on the verge of laughing at her attempt to make me believe such fallacies.
maybe... most possibly, i believe... it was the way she said "i haven't gotten you this far to have you die now." as if she was the sole reason i still breathe today.
yes, definitely possible. for that was when i couldn't force back my smile anymore.
it was nothing more than a joke to me. i couldn't help it.
yes, i almost felt bad for feeling like laughing in her face for declaring her love for me; after all, it's not like i don't want to feel the way i should have. halfway through her rant i reviewed my feelings and was dumbfounded that the words i've longed to hear don't mean anything coming from her anymore.
maybe... because she almost killed me. she might as well have planted that knife on my dresser. i don't think i can feel her love anymore, because it isn't enough anymore to make up for what she's done. only when she is on the verge i was, if she understood me. maybe when she feels as distraught as i over my mistrust and intense dislike of her. maybe then.
but i'm not holding my breath for that day.