I feel like something's wrong with me for waiting this long.
I don't feel comfortable with myself, and I'm afraid he won't know how to reassure me. I appreciate that he's gentle, but sometimes I wish he'd be less worried about doing something wrong or hurting me and just do it. I know there will probably be pain, but I can probably get over it as long as we keep pushing through it. I'm afraid as soon as I start to wince in any way, he's going to freak out and ruin the mood.
And as if I wasn't scared enough to begin with...
He was eager at first, but once starting, his demeanor changed. He pretended to be fine with it. I asked him if he was okay, and he said he was. The entire time he was down there, he poked at me and had this disgusted look on his face. After a few minutes he wanted to stop, and after finishing me, he wasn't interested in taking his turn. I was nervous... and asked him how he felt about it.
He said it was a lot to take in. The smell and taste were too overpowering to handle, and that he didn't think he'd ever get used to it. And he asked me if there was something wrong with me, and that maybe I should see a doctor.
I felt disgusting and offended. I pulled my clothes back on and spent the next three days feeling emotionally shattered. I'd been terribly nervous, but I opened myself up to him, and he was disgusted with what he saw. My self esteem was dead. I couldn't even think about anything sexual at all after that. I felt embarrassed and hideous. We fought over it. I broke down in tears. Why would he want me? Why couldn't I experience something that I'd been willing to share with him when he was the one who wanted it?
It wasn't fair. I felt lied to and betrayed.
Worse still, he did little to reassure me. At first, he fully intended to just wait around until I cried myself out and just felt better on my own. I told him I needed to feel attractive to him and reassured and that my self esteem had been obliterated. His response: a post it note reading "You're beautiful just the way you are. ^_^"
It sounds kind of pathetic that a post-it note is all it took for me to move past the event. But considering that's the most effort he's put into a romantic gesture in months, at least it was something. But I still have those scars. I still have that fear.
A few weeks ago, the subject came up again, and he sounded more sure about it this time. He said we'd work something out, and that we could try dental dams. I don't know. I still don't feel it's fair. I just wish he'd be willing to try a little harder.
So how do I know this won't happen again?
At the time it felt right, but after the disaster, I wish we would have eased into it more... And what if we feel that way? What if I think I know what I want, and it ends up blowing up in my face? I'm not sure I can cope with another disaster...