Srijana was the first girl I remember liking, as more than a friend.
I wasn't fully aware of it at the time, because I hadn't accepted myself as being bisexual back when I knew her. But I know I did.
Srijana was a good friend of mine, but I always felt like something held us apart. I wanted to be closer to her. At school we would wrestle and touch and hug and play - in an innocent, no more than flirtatious way. I'm quite sure she never meant anything by it, but knowing myself the way I do now, I can't say I felt the same way. I liked being in contact with her. To have a part of my body touching hers. I felt comfortable being familiar with her. I liked feeling that physical contact of her skin on mine.
She was cute, and she made me laugh. We had our jokes. We saw each other all the time. We were friends.
We had Self Defense class together in high school. She was always my practice partner. We would take turns holding each other in choke holds and half nelsons, flipping each other onto the gym mats. I frequently had an arm around her shoulder whenever we stood around talking. She was about a full head shorter than me, and I would tease her about it.
On one particular day in Self Defense, we were told to box each other. She was so fierce. She and I pounded at each other relentlessly, enjoying the game. Our teacher got a kick out of it.
I remember going to see Anchorman with her. One or two of our friends were with us too, but I don't remember who. The theater was just a short walk away from the Heinen's grocery store. The movie was terrible, but it was a pleasant memory because of her. We all sat in the top row of the theater. For almost the entirety of the film, she and I leaned against each other in our seats. The contact... I didn't want it to end.
I remember walking on snowy days out to Wendy's for lunch. On final exam days we would be allowed to go out for lunch, but it was always snowy in the winter. I got a chai latte from Starbuck's the one day, and felt super hyper. I remember just laughing and smiling and messing around with Srijana and my other friends.
What probably is the most odd thing about her and I was that we did fight over a boy at one time. She was the one to introduce me to Brian, and I eventually found out that she had feelings for him. It all seems kind of silly now. As such things often do, I suppose.
There was also the time when I found out she lost her virginity to her jerk of a boyfriend. It was a year or two after I had moved. I was upset. I couldn't believe she did that. When I asked our friend Melissa if she was as upset about it as I was, Melissa replied with "It's her life, why does it matter so much to you?" I'm sure that part of my outrage was due to my (then) firm belief that sex was sacred between a husband and wife... but Melissa's thoughts have also weighed on me. And to be honest, I'm not so sure that was all of my reasoning. Perhaps I was jealous. Perhaps I wanted better for her because she meant more to me than that. Perhaps, in my subconscious, I felt a piece of my heart break. Maybe...
I think the last time I saw Srijana was the winter of 2006. (Give or take a year?)
Up to this point, just about everything could be discounted as friendship. It wouldn't be so strange. But the last, and best, memory I have of Srijana is what makes me convinced of my feelings.
I had visited her that day. I don't remember what plans we had, but I know we spent the day at her apartment. In the evening, it was snowing, and I had to wait for Jeremy to come pick me up. I was just visiting in Ohio at the time and needed a ride. Jeremy was on his way, and so I had to go outside the building to wait for him. Srijana offered to stand outside with me. She was small and easily got cold. I was wearing Kevin's letterman jacket at the time... a large, thick coat with soft leather sleeves. As Srijana started to shiver and chatter her teeth from the cold, I pulled her close to me. I wrapped her in the warmth of my jacket, and she let me. We stood there like that for several minutes until Jeremy arrived. She and I... pressed up against each other to share our warmth.
And my thoughts were not those of just a friend that night. I wanted to hold her close. I didn't want to let go. I loved feeling her body close up against mine. There was no mistaking it. It was not lustful; I was not a sexual person back then. But it was the feeling of romance. Undoubtedly.
And, as far as I can remember, that was the last time I ever saw her. She moved to Michigan not long after. We kept in touch for a couple years, but now rarely speak to each other. I've watched her grow up over facebook. She's turned into a beautiful woman. I have seen pictures of her laughing. I have seen her fall in and out of relationships.
I hope that, wherever she ends up, she will be happy.
Countless times, I've considered sending her a message. Telling her how I once felt, and how much she meant to me. I don't know why I feel the need to. Despite my fond memories, I don't have the same feelings for her anymore. She and I have been apart for far too long to even attempt that kind of rekindling. And that uncrossable gap I used to feel standing between her and I has only gotten larger after all these years. She and I are not meant to connect. I know that.
Perhaps I just grow tired of keeping my feelings inside. Maybe I just want to be honest with someone. Maybe I want to say the things I never had a chance to say before. Maybe I should...
Live life with no regrets.
Or maybe things of the past are just better left in the past.
Goodbye, Srijana.