Just shit.
The past couple days, Kevin's been talking about going back to school at FIT to get an Electrical Engineering degree. He gets discounted tuition since his mom works there, and he could use the extra education. His (perhaps few) job searches have turned up a whole lot of nothing just like mine, and he's never been overly happy with the education he got at UNF.
I understand why he's considering it, and think it might be a good thing for him to do. Today, however, he went and toured the school and saw what some of the seniors were doing for their engineering projects...
When Kevin came back from the tour, I could see how excited he was about the school and what he saw there. I can't really think of a time when he was ever that happy about what they were doing at UNF. It reminded me of how happy I was being in VL, and I'd like for him to experience that same kind of feeling. Without him saying it, I could tell he's already made up his mind that he wants to go. And, objectively, I know that it will probably be good for him, and that he should go.
But it wasn't until today that I realized the consequences of that decision...
Kevin going back to school at FIT means he'll be in classes for at least another year or two - i.e. without a decent paying job for at least another year or two - i.e. not able to afford to live on his own and therefore staying with his parents for at least another year or two. If he is fortunate enough to get a job after graduation, that can only mean that he will probably stick with whatever job he gets for at least another year after that. And whatever job he gets will undoubtedly be around here, not out of state.
But... what about me? I'm going out of state. I'm thinking about moving to California or back to Ohio. I know, at the very least, I do not still want to be here at my parents' house a year from now. I cannot find jobs in my field here. Everything is pushing me out of state - and Kevin is now saying he wants to stay.
There are a few situations which would allow me to stay in town, sure. If I could get a job here or become self employed to get my own place in Palm Bay, it wouldn't be such a big problem. But the chances of that happening are... slim.
So what does this likely mean?
So much for living together anytime soon. So much for having alone time. So much for starting our life together. So much for getting married. I'll be lucky if we even stay on the same side of the country, or the same state. We could end up having to visit each other across the country for years.
I thought I was done with this...
I've been with Kevin for almost 8 fucking years. I want to marry him. I want to live with him. I'm done with having our parents tell us what we can or can't do all the time. I'm 23 fucking years old. I don't want to still be here a year from now. I don't want to lose him due to distance, after all this time.
I've been crying all day. I went to his house thinking that it would make me feel better, but it didn't. We watched some movies, which helped keep my mind off it long enough to keep from bursting into tears with Kevin's parents around. Still, I cried into his pillows while Kevin remained unaware. I didn't want him to see.
I felt ashamed. I felt like an awful person for feeling so bad about this opportunity that he has.
The moment I got in my car to go home, the tears fell uncontrollably. I sobbed and screamed and cursed life the whole way home. I barely stopped crying long enough to walk into the house, but I'm still crying, two hours later. I've cut myself twice. My eyes are swollen and my head is killing me.
I've now talked to Kevin about my feelings, but it changes nothing. Life still sucks. He still plans to go back to school, and I don't blame him...
I guess all I can do is... see what happens...