Freelance work:
For the past couple weeks I've been working on my first "official" freelance project, which I actually started a few months ago. I had very briefly mentioned it in a journal back then, but hadn't gone into details because the project had a bit of a slow start.
Basically, I was told to make a short title card animation that the company could place at the front of the stop motion animation films they make - similar to how Disney has its castle title card, or Dreamworks has the little boy fishing off the moon. The company is super small right now, so it's not like "OMG HUGE DEAL" or anything, but it is nice to have some kind of work related to my field.
The project certainly had its own set of struggles though... When I first talked to them about the project, I was under the impression that they needed me to do a 3D animation for them, which is what I do. I found out soon afterward that they were actually looking for the title card to be either 2D or stop motion animation though. I've never done stop motion animation, but I did do some 2D animation as part of my classes in college. I needed the work, so I said I could do it for them, even though 2D animation is really not something I particularly enjoy doing. As a result, I spent a lot of time and energy stressing myself out over it, because I was terrified that I just had no idea what I was doing and that it would all turn out terribly.
After cramming a lot of hours into the project to finish it up, it didn't turn out as nicely as I hoped, but I dunno... It was more or less a learning experience. I'm still waiting on the company's feedback on the full animation, so I may or may not end up putting more work into it. If you want to see it as it is, you can find it here.
Awards:
I also found out recently that the short film I worked on in college, "Squeaky Business", won an award at a film festival in New York. So that's kind of cool. Getting awards and things like that at film festivals brings more recognition in the animation industry to me and my classmates who worked with me.
Therapy & Life in General:
Emotionally, things have been pretty rough for me the past few weeks. There have been days where my stress has made me feel sick and exhausted. There have been several moments where I'll sit here questioning the direction of my life and wonder what the hell I'm doing. I'm not sure sometimes. And if my stress from my freelance project wasn't enough, I've also been stressed because the freelance work meant putting off my art commissions for a while, and I felt terrible about making people wait. Stress all around.
I've been keeping up with going to therapy; I've been there a handful of times now. I still find it very helpful, but some visits are better than others. We've been talking a lot about ways I can deal with some of my issues though, and she sometimes gives pretty helpful advice. It kind of feels like it's easier to deal with my parents lately, but I can't tell if that's because of what I'm learning in therapy, or just because no big fights or anything have happened recently.
One thing I've come to realize through therapy though is how much of a problem I have with anxiety. It wasn't news to me that I'm depressed, but I never really thought I had such an issue with anxiety. I'm learning how much it's actually controlling my life and everything I do, and... it kind of scares me. Pretty much everything makes me anxious or afraid. I'm afraid of talking to people, I'm afraid of what people think of me, I'm afraid I'm never good enough, I'm afraid to take risks. I'm afraid of everything. I think over the years, I didn't think it was a problem because I could sometimes force myself to do things outside my comfort zone despite my fears, but that doesn't mean the fear isn't there.
Knowing I have anxiety does kind of help, because when I get anxious, it's now much easier for me to recognize it and tell myself "stop being stupid, this is just the anxiety talking", but at the same time, it's also very overwhelming to find out I have this whole other mental problem that I never really thought about before. I'm used to being depressed. I'm not used to seeing all this anxiety in my life. I have a hard time knowing what to do with it because I haven't made many conscious decisions to fight it before. So... since finding out I have this issue, I'm now starting to get anxiety about my anxiety. See how that can get complicated?
It also gets a bit frustrating sometimes when I still haven't talked to my therapist about some important events that have affected my life. I would bring it up myself, but the therapist tends to control the direction of our conversations. It's not necessarily a bad thing because she is good at it, but it can be just a little frustrating sometimes. And it's still terribly difficult to fit conversations into a one-hour span of time on a weekly basis. There's only so much you can fit in that amount of time, and then the rest has to wait.
But I dunno.. I still like going, and I plan to continue going for a while.
My mate:
My mate, Strike, is going to be starting up with college again soon. He went through orientation last week. He is the same age as me, and he graduated last year around the same time I did, but he's decided to go back again to get a second degree. Honestly, I'm feeling a little awkward and worried about it... I am really hoping to get a job before he starts school, because it will probably drive me crazy to be sitting here at home doing nothing all the time while he's busy with school for most of the week. He and I usually talk online all the time when we're not together, and I miss him when he's not there to talk to. I know that it would not be fair for me to get upset because he's at school though... He's doing something to improve his job prospects, and I am truly happy for him that he is able to do so. But he will be doing something, and I will simply continue to be stuck here, being useless, until I can get a job that will otherwise occupy my time. I feel terrible for feeling what may be a form of jealousy, because it is stupid. But I can't help it... I feel useless.
And it only gets more and more difficult to be apart from my mate as time goes on. I am an adult, and Strike and I have been together for eight years. I'm ready to start my own life with him, but it feels like everything is always being put on hold. It tears me apart when I can't be with him. When I get caught up in my stress and emotions, it feels like the world is spinning around me, and it only stops or slows down when he is there. I wouldn't get so upset or miss him so damn much when he's busy or going to school if only he could come home to me. But we don't have a home together, and so whenever we do want to get together, we have to set aside the time for it.
This isn't how I want to be living.