i feel... free. and at the same time, utterly hopeless.
i feel like talking to you again, now that im over it... but it would be a bad idea. even if i have been able to get over you, you've left me an empty, heartless shell that you only pick at.
no... i dont think i can talk to you again. i know you wont miss me anyway. its best to leave it at that. i think i'll just send you your game back so i never have to face you again. i dont think i could take it.
i never did play that game again.
i dont think i could force myself to.
now... i miss him terribly. its making me restless.
he looked so handsome yesterday... i dont know why... he wore nothing really out of the ordinary. but the way the sun hit him through the windhield as he drove me to the movies...
i forget how to breathe normally sometimes
but i hate acting the way i do around him... i hope hes not confused... i jsut cant help it when i get depressed sometimes... and its hard to get out of it. but he tries so hard to make me happy... i just want to return the favor...
i cant wait to get out of here... i feel like doing something... but i have no idea what... nobody to do anything with.
i feel bad... getting the urge to dump my problems on sansha. she has enough problems, so why do i have to burden her? i dont know. maybe im just not so used to the idea of someone like me that i can understand and help.
the memory... of that fear... i guess i didnt really choose to think about it... probably because it disgusts me. i cant stand having something doing that to me...
i was afraid every second i sat sawing at my wrist with a plastic knife--the only thing i could get my hands on that morning.
i dont even know why i did it... i felt such a strong urge... i was deep in my depression then, and i was terribly lonely... i remember thinking, "what if...", "it would be easy...", "would anyone really miss me...?"
i was crying.
when i heard my dad coming in, i immediately brushed away my tears and hid the knife. he didnt even notice that anything was wrong.
i hated myself for doing that when i realized my friends really loved me... but now... im barely hanging on again by the few people i have left close to me, but at the same time i feel like there HAS to be something im missing thats worth living for...
i dont know what it is quite yet.
people are too unreliable to trust my life with. but thats how i survive for now.
hes back home... suddenly, i cant remember anything else i was going to say.