As always, if I let myself sit too long thinking about life and my discontent with it, I find myself quickly spiraling into depression. I start to hate everything and myself. I've been disgusted with myself a lot lately... self esteem issues. And my parents have been driving me crazy. Some of the things that go on here literally make me sick to my stomach. The daily habit of feeding Mrs. Dash when we eat dinner, only to have to eat while listening to the revolting sounds of the dog puking and re-eating her food several times over... And the other night, my mom was on her phone in the office, and I guess she needed to go to the bathroom right then. So she went into my bathroom next to my bedroom, did not shut the door, making it quite easy for me to hear my mom having diarrhea, and she didn't even flush right after because she was stuck on the phone.
Yesterday I was so disgusted with everything and got so upset that I took a walk with Cocoa around the neighborhood just to get away from everything. I couldn't stand being in the house. I felt trapped.
But... on the other hand, I have moments that aren't so bad. I love spending time with Kevin. I feel okay when I'm with him. He and I got our hair cut last night, and now that my hair looks cute again, I feel a little better about myself.
We drove up to Orlando this morning to meet Shinzuu and Vee at IHOP for brunch. They seemed very nice. Vee had a wonderful voice, I was so happy to hear her talk, and Shinzuu wasn't as bad as he is online. We sat and ate our food, talked about what's been going on in our lives, things like that. Shinzuu showed some of his sketches, and I drew in my own sketchbook for a little while. Mostly just ate and talked for a couple hours until we were ready to go. Afterward, we talked about going bowling or something... but then Vee suddenly wasn't feeling so well... I don't know if she was just avoiding me and wanted me to leave, or if the heat was really getting to her. I felt disappointed and a little suspicious, but I guess I can just hope that she's okay. It was fun anyway, even if we didn't get to do everything we wanted to do...
Kevin and I then took my car over to the Buick dealer for an oil change, and that took a full two hours. There was a particularly long wait that day, I guess. I drew in my sketchbook some more, then he and I played Dots & Boxes and Hangman for a while to kill the time. When that was finished, I asked Vee if she wanted to hang out any more before Kevin and I started to head back to Palm Bay, but she didn't reply for well over an hour. Kevin and I killed time by stopping at the Salvation Army and sharing some food at Wendy's. I was afraid to leave and miss the chance to spend more time with them, but they took a nap I guess and said that Vee still wasn't feeling well. So that was it.
I do really wish we had more time with them. I feel like Vee didn't really appreciate the fact that this was kind of a once-in-a-blue-moon chance pretty much... But I don't hold any regrets. Even if the meeting hadn't gone so well, it was nice just spending time with Kevin hanging out and talking. I was really glad he went with me. The disappointment would have been so much worse without him there. Overall, it ended up not being a bad day.
When we got back from Orlando, I passed out on his bed for a while because I was dead tired. He made dinner for us, and we watched some TV... among other things. At one point in the evening, I thought I lost the seashell kitty ring that I had been wearing today... The one he bought for me in Georgia... I had put it in my pocket earlier, and it wasn't there anymore. I was terrified that I lost it at Wendy's back in Orlando... When I realized it was gone, I started to get upset. Kevin could see how much I cared about the ring, and took me out to look in the car to see if I dropped it in there. Thankfully, he found the ring on the floor in the back seat, and it is safe and sound. I don't know what I would have done if I lost it. I'm always afraid of losing my jewelry... Kevin said I looked like I was about to start crying before we went outside to look for it... That ring means a lot to me. It's special... it was a gift from him, reminded me of our secret trip to Georgia, and I love that ring. I don't want to lose it, ever.
I love Kevin so much... I really do. I only wish I could be with him all the time...