The past two days have been spent cleaning. The maddening, freak-out kind of cleaning that my mother incites.
Today was Easter, and we had Kevin's family and another family come over. The house was a mess previously, so naturally we had to prepare to keep up appearances.
So by "cleaning", I mean the past two days have been spent hearing my mom yell at me about what I should be doing and how I'm doing things wrong. I'm 23, I'm not stupid, and I know what needs to be done to get a house clean. I got up and set about doing what I needed to do, and my mother still felt the need to bark orders at me all day. Meanwhile, whenever I'd end up in the same room with my dad for long periods of time, he would lecture me about job searching.
Long story short, I had about enough of it, and my patience wore thin. I was upset with all of how I was being treated, and feeling alone and helpless to do anything about it. So I cut.
This one was a little worse than the last, though nothing serious by any means. More noticeable though...
Shortly after Kevin got to the house today, he saw it and asked if I scraped my arm on something. Not really thinking about it, I said "yeah", and he asked what I scraped it on. His concern hit me at that point, and I just said "I don't know." He replied with "How do you not know? It looks kind of bad..." I knew what he was thinking, and he was right. But we had company over, and I couldn't really talk about it at that point, so the conversation stopped there.
Much later in the evening, Kevin stayed after everyone else left, and we were watching MacGyver. I kept thinking about the previous conversation, and I was feeling bad about not telling him the truth. Ever since Kevin and I have gotten closer, I've been determined to not let secrets pull us apart, so I knew I had to tell him. I put it off for an hour or so while we watched the show; he was happy and I didn't really want to kill the mood.
But the time came when the show was paused for a moment, and I (somewhat randomly) said, "I didn't hit my arm on something."
To my surprise, Kevin immediately knew what I was talking about, and what I was really saying. I had feared that he wouldn't understand what I meant and that I'd have to say it outright, but he did. I should have known he would. He knows me.
He asked me why I did it, and I told him about the events of the past few days. He asked if I did it because I wanted a sense of control, and I said no. That I wasn't sure exactly why I do it.
And I don't. The reasons can vary. I know I used to do it after crying a lot, because the pain in my head got so bad that I had to transfer it elsewhere. But lately... I've just wanted to see myself bleed. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel worthless, and that maybe I deserve it. I ended up telling him I did it because I needed to vent my frustrations somehow - which is also probably true.
He also asked me how I did it. He was surprised to know I did it with my nails. I can only imagine how it's hard for him to think of me doing that to myself. Probably just as hard as it is for me to explain.
After that, he told me he still loved me and that he wasn't disappointed in me, and he was upset that I was feeling so unhappy with everything.
And now... it probably sounds really weird, but things like this remind me just how much I love that man. I love Kevin so much. The best thing I ever did was open up to him. I love him for being the person I can talk to. The only one who is always there for me. He has responded in a better way than I could ever imagine, and I feel closer to him than ever.
It's a very weird thing to discuss with your partner the specifics of cutting yourself. But he was trying to understand me and why I do it. I appreciate that. I know he doesn't like it, and I know that I shouldn't be dealing with my feelings in this way. But just knowing that he does his best to understand and loves me either way... It's a step to someday not having to resort to such ways of dealing with my emotions. Maybe someday...