Mom wasn't home when I got up, but dad was and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said I would.
He hugged me and told me that he supports me. He said mom found the letter first this morning then gave it to him. He asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and she said no. So he doesn't know her thoughts about it, and I don't know if she's going to talk to me about it later.
He said he could completely understand about the depression. That he always feels he's a failure. That he knew it wasn't an easy thing for me to tell them, and that it's a sad thing to hear. That it runs deep through his side of the family, and he's not surprised he got it too. That depression is a daily struggle for him, that it never gets better, and that every day he thinks about putting a gun to his head.
He talked about some of his struggles with mom and how she puts stress on his depression every day. How she nitpicks him and tells him everything is his fault and yells. How he can't stand her anger. How the things that attracted her to him are the things she hates most about him. He's kind, but he's too kind. He's patient, but he's too patient. He went on for a while about the terrible things that my mom does and tells him, and most of it was all too familiar to me.
It was terrible to see how she has convinced him that he's not worth anything. I told him that without his patience and kindness, I would not be able to put up with mom. I told him that mom has said many of the same things to me, and that she's a major source of my stress. He quickly said how he loves mom and doesn't like to talk bad about her, but continued to say how her anger and stubbornness affect him.
It felt like he's given up on trying to be happy, and it's a shame that he thinks it's okay to deal with the kind of negativity from mom. I'm convinced that their marriage counseling wasn't nearly as helpful as my mom has led me to believe it was. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up killing himself one day. I probably would if I lived the rest of my life with mom. He said he can never stand up for himself because if he did, mom would pack up her bags and leave. I wanted to ask if that would really be so bad, but felt it wasn't my place to say it. I would like my dad to be happy, and I told him he should consider seeing my therapist, but it's not my responsibility to solve his problems. I hope he does someday though.
Something about the conversation gave me hope though. I could recognize the difference in how he spoke with how I spoke. Where he would say he is a failure, I would say "mom tells me I'm a failure." Where he would say that he would say he could never be happy, I would say that I deserve to be happy. That's the difference that therapy has made for me, and despite my struggles, I'm proud of that difference.
However, he made it clear that it is unlikely my letter will change anything. He's convinced mom is too set in her ways and opinions and is incapable of understanding my struggles. I told him I could use more support when mom is attacking me about various things, and he said he would "try" but that there wasn't much he could do. He also said that most of the stress comes from their financial situation, which wasn't going to change. And that "we all still needed to do our part around the house" - which made it pretty clear to me that he although he may understand my depression, he does not understand my anxiety.
So nothing will change, and my parents seem to just accept that as being okay. I have to say I'm disappointed... and my mom might even hurt me later if she talks to me. The only good the letter did was confirm my dad's suspicions about my depression and at least now I know I've tried. I've tried to open up to my parents, but I can say for sure that they will never change. There's nothing else I can do unless they are willing to change themselves. They are doomed to be dysfunctional, and the best I can do is minimize the lasting damage it will cause me. Oh well.