but it never seems to work out that way.
today was one of those days...
i could almost feel the seratonin flooding my system. making me want to go back to the way i was.... to what i did... making me want to break my promise... even though i kind of already have... kind of... ._.
this morning when my dad yelled at me, it was just a perfect way to start off a miserable day... then the obscenely long detour on the way to school didnt help, especially being stuck in the car with him telling me how to drive as if i had just gotten my permit...
then when i found out i might not even be able to get his v-day present made in time... i'm just worried about it... i'm the worst screw-up sometimes about presents... i still feel bad about that one year, because he totally deserved the world instead of the cheap trinket i gave him in exchange for his special gift...
not that i mean to compare myself with him, i just want to show him how much i care...
anyway... with luck i'll be able to get it done anyway... as long as caitlin pulls through for me...
but after that... nothing really bad happened today.
sarah wasnt there, so lunch wasn't as fun as usual, but everything else was just... normal. as normal as my life gets.
and yet... all day i've just felt like i wanted him to hold me... all day... i wanted him close... i didnt want anything else to matter...
but being so irritated with him lately... and his newly revealed irritation with me touching his skin... and his irritation at the status of poptarts at his house... and everyone always being there... invading our space...
it won't happen... it doesn't...
i miss georgia... because of my time with him then... driving with him for the first time...
how he looks like a god when the sunlight hits him through the windshield...
things like that don't happen anymore.
but soon they will... i just hope i can last that long...
i will have a new Eventually...
one with no excuses, no interruptions, no nervousness, no listening, no tenseness... nothing whatsoever, but me and him.
that's what i want right now. but i can't tell him that, because it won't happen.
don't be sad, he said. don't be sad? i wish it was possible. to reverse the chemical imbalance in my head so i didnt have to feel like this. maybe even tweak it a little while i'm at it so i don't have my cravings.
but that's for another entry.